Trying Too Hard

This week has been generally a terrible week. Alot of struggles with myself. Emotions flying high (and yes, tmi again. But hormones were also flying haywire cause I finally got my late-for-2-months period.) and dramas are also crashing in.

To be honest, I don't know who has been reading this blog and I don't know how much of everything I should censor on this page. But then again, I realised. I'm not blaming anyone or accusing anyone. It is just me, myself and I. So who am I afraid of? It was exactly the same fear of offending anyone, the same want to satisfy everyone that led me to where I am now.

For this past 1.5 months, I have been literally dedicating all my life to rag and chinese dance (more rag than chinese dance tbh). I mean most people wouldn't see the work that lies behind just attending each practice. I go through every night thinking about how to and what to teach during class. Blocking and everything. I go for building and costumes-making (not part of my job, I willingly did it but still time spent there). I go there because I want to give back the kindness this community has shown me when I first came into NUS. For the girl who was lost in her own world, this community was her only 避风港 in this highly unfamiliar place.

Initially, things were good. I found myself being energised by my rag friends (both my freshies and seniors). I feel like rag is a place where I can be myself and be happy. And somewhere along the way, the pressure to be what people want me to be just weighed down.

I started getting comments that I was being very fierce (which I didn't choose to be) and then there are people saying that my choreos need to be more fierce in general (but I had to stop scolding HAHA no one can imagine the amount of hurt I felt just from this). And then now I get people feeling demoralised. And my values continuously clash with my team. I'm constantly in a fight to stay civilised, accept and adapt.

To be very honest, I don't feel comfortable being fierce at all. I feel this sense of awkwardness in me, like I have no idea if people can accept after I scolded them. But of course, no one outside truly understands that. They just assume that I'm okay with. They don't realise that I took on this role only because I naturally have a loud voice and I have RBF while my friends are generally nice people who don't flare up easily. SO.

I sound super demanding but when I hear people comment that I'm very fierce. I just get really sensitive cause I don't mean to be fierce, I just wanted to set the tone straight. I want everybody to have a good relationship yet be serious and on the ball. I don't mean to I don't know be fierce.

Aiya, okay this is where I can talk about already. Anymore, I would be revealing too much. Sometimes I think people just need to show their appreciation more to others. I try to make it a habit to thank people (freshies or seniors) when they do something for rag (even if it is part of their job scope). I hope I made their days when I say my thanks. But I realise alot of my choreos are not receiving enough appreciation. Even when they drag their tired/sick/injured body to class, they still are expected to be their best. And rarely you have someone go up to them to say thank you. I have received it a few times and it really made my day. It made me feel like what I am doing is worth it.

ok note to self: show more appreciation to my fellow friends. (: