Spent my sem 2 week 3 running high fever most of the time. So I am like on my bed 24/7 and I have ALOT of time since doing work is impossible with the massive headache. This gave me alot of time to like think about random things. Decided to pen down these random thoughts cause I figured it's these random thoughts that makes looking back more interesting and funny.
Firstly,
RELATIONSHIP. Recalled reading a Dayre post a few days back which is damn related to this topic (I actually went to go dig out the post. HAHA.)
The Dayre Post
I have been joking around alot saying that I prolly should go get a boyfriend soon since somehow all the people around me their love life got abit de xiao happening. But then again, do I really mean it? HAHA actually I don't know myself. Like I don't know if I'm ready to actually even talk about being someone's girlfriend. The responsibility that comes with it got abit scary only.
I have liked guys before but then again I never really thought much about it. Like especially when the first guy I like actually liked someone I know, got abit sad but then after just nothing again. But thinking back about it, it is probably because I don't interact well with guys that's why all these little crushes don't mean so much to me since I don't even know those people well enough. HAHA.
I'm the kind of girl who will get like a flutter in my heart when a guy like care for me(?) HAHA. Do I even make any sense??? Even until now, when guys suddenly show concern for me, I'm just like WAAAH.... HAHAHAHAHAHA. Just that now, maybe will control a bit cause usually those who like care, they seem like they are just being genuinely nice.
Never had any experience with love life stuff before cause it just never bothered me before. But then thinking back, I remember a lot of my friends saying that maybe something happened but I'm just too oblivious to even notice. Hmmm.... Maybe? But mehh I was too much of an awkward turtle back then for anyone to even notice me HAHAH
As for now, well firstly, I don't know if I still feel something for ?? so I don't know how to feel about this entire aspect of my life. And then secondly, I like quite mehh about this entire situation (where everyone is having a quite happening love life). I don't feel jealous or like I want to have such a love life too but neither do I not feel a teeny bit of self-doubt HAHA. Like SOMETIMES I can't help but wonder if it is something wrong with me or what. But then again, like what the dayre post say.
"When are we ever ready?"
Secondly, PAST FRIENDSHIPS. Once again, I was on twitter and I stumbled upon (not really since I actually went to stalk my followers' page then she was one of them) an old friend's recent post about me indirectly (im assuming it is me cause I did that in the past)
Upon reading this, my first reaction was just heh. Cause thinking back about all the things I did, all the extra miles I went (both figuratively and literally) and all the tears I shed, it is kind of funny how everything ended up like that. Friendship ended, just left with the memories and the appreciation that I would have been quite happy to receive comes only like now and some more not directly to me. It is just funny. But at the same time, I'm grateful for all these failed friendships cause they each taught me something new and valuable.
In the past, I was too naive and selfish at the same time. I believed truly that if I give my all to someone, that someone would definitely also give their all to me. And of course with that thinking, it led to expectation and then to disappointment. So now, everyday I remind myself to not have expectations of my friends because well they don't owe it to me to live up to my expectation.
Finally, BEING NICE. I was not also nice from young. I think I only started to be nice after JC cause I legit am surrounded by very nice people and I thought it was a good trait to learn or pick up. So since then, I always find myself helping and serving people whenever I can. I give in when there is a conflict of ideas. And quite a lot more lah.
But then ever since I came to NUS, I have heard MANY people tell me that I'm exceptionally nice and one even told me that I'm too nice to the extent that I forget about what I want for myself. This kind of slowly changed my mindset (don't know how but definitely can feel the difference). Now, I would think twice before helping someone. I would not give in when I think I'm right. But the problem is HAHAH. I don't like how I am now. I kind of liked how I always help people without hesitating. And I feel like because of this change, it made me slightly unhappy when people take me for granted haha like when they exploit me to do shit for the group project.
I don't really like how it feels now. I was much happier last time. Because I don't bother about how people receive my actions. Like I never bothered when people don't even say thanks to me. But now, I care. I don't know if this is a good change or a bad change. Like I can understand the good in the change but I feel very uncomfortable when I feel myself legit hesitating to help people.
Finally done with the word puke. Been so long since I blogged. But mehhh... like I said no one reads it anyway. Till next time, whoop.
