Faded

I can't believe I left this to now. Like I just totally forgotten about it. But it is too significant to miss it out of this blog since this is supposed to be a little diary of my uni life.

Last year (as in 2016), I was approached by Pris a few times to choreo for open class but I didn't go for it because it was right after RHMP and I had to catch up with alot of work. Then I was approached by Priscilla again to be choreo for dinner performance. I mean it's legit the door-in-the-face technique/rationale, I felt really bad for turning her down so many times before that because she like actively trying to give me opportunities. So I said yes on the account that I get to drag a friend together with me. And of course, I got Tianran to do it with me cause who else can I drag in.

We started to work on in dec and honestly, our progress was not bad, we choreo-ed really quickly (with some parts that we needed to tweak). And I really enjoyed doing it with her. Then she had to leave to go home (in China). That was how I was left alone to actually lead the class myself on the first class which was HORRENDOUS. But I survived it with the help from Olivia (thank god for her).

I can't really remember anything significant that happened but soon it was performance day (16 Feb I will always remember this day). So surreal. And there were so many shit that popped up like one of my dancers was rushing from class and she came legit 5 mins before the performance (goodness gracious for her.)

Okay, reflection time~ (don't read this if you cannot stand me being over-critical of myself or a sappy person)

Honestly, this piece is not something I am proud of in any way. Like it's like I don't even want to remember that I did this. I always envisioned myself choreo-ing something I have feelings for. I mean makes sense right, I'm such an emotional person, everything to me must have some sort of sentimental value. But this piece just lacks that alot. I didn't have anything I wanted to convey through this dance. This dance is like legit the stereotype of contemp. Sad, emo, jumps, spins etc. Like it's so technical that I cannot even tank.

For a while, I couldn't come to terms with the fact that this was such disgusting piece from me. But yet, I realised after a while, just how significant this piece is to me. It opened my eyes to this world of choreographing and really made me feel the significant of having personal relation to dance. It made me understand myself in dance. One sem ago, I never would have agreed or toyed with the idea of choreographing. But here I am now, about half a year later (lesser lah but about there), having agreed to choreographing for more events and actually feeling the itch to try random moves that pop up in my head cause i want to store it in my dance vocab.

If not for this one step I took in Sem 1, I wouldn't have opened up to more challenges in dance and I would have been stucked with the idea that I definitely would not be able to come up with a piece. Yes, it sucked as hell like so much that I don't even want to watch it the second time. But along with it, it gave me so much through the process of getting to that point of performance. It really made me understand myself more, like my working style. It pushed me to my limits, in the sense of dance and as a leader. It gave me a chance to make friends, like i was able to make decent friends and solidify my existing friendships. I feel like because this, it also set my mindset differently this sem. I become so open to making friends and like more active in keeping contact with most of my friends. I gained much and I didn't lose anything at all. Okay, maybe except for my pride in dance like meh I feel so ashamed of it HAHA.

(Terrible quality photos but yet they each hold so much meaning to me)

Super thankful for those who believed in us and actually joined our item. Super thankful for the help that i got from people who were more experienced (OLI!!). Super thankful to have been given this chance to do this (PRIS!!). Super thankful for myself for actually taking this leap of faith. I can safely say that I stepped out of my comfort zone and I will doing so more often now.

Life Before The Storm

HAHAHA! Been so long since I last updated this place, been dancing so much and then struggling to catch with my work because nope uni life doesn't stop just for your performances and commitments. Really loving my this semester alot. Maybe it is because of my modules this semester, like I actually really enjoy most of them though they have very burden assignments as well. ESP EL1101E like errmaigawd, this shit is so interesting?!

Or actually maybe because this sem, I'm alot more outgoing(?) Like I actually make the effort to make sure I see my friends (lunch/dinner/study/whatever) and also I'm more open to making friends this sem. I don't know it's just easier to get by with alot more company and knowing that there are friends who can make me laugh my head off, it just makes the day less boring.

This sem is also the sem where I have the first touch with those kind of weird feelings HAHAH. I sound like a nun but meh, I seriously didn't know how to hold a proper conversation with a guy in the past. Like I will just get very flustered then end up just ending the conversation on an awks note (provided we were even having a conversation in the first place cause I DO NOT TALK TO BOYS PERIOD.) Which is kind of funny because the past-me would never have imagined the present-me to be sooooo open(?) to talking to anybody.

Then again, I just got a comment that I tend to friendzone people all the time. WOW. Like for the first time in my life, I hear someone telling me that I have been friendzone-ing people. Because can some kind soul explain to me how do you friendzone someone? Like how do you tell??? HAHAHAHAHA so amusing. I mean yea i get the idea that friendzone is like when you classify someone into this category where you are very sure that you would not want to develop a relationship with that person. But then like do people actually go around not friendzone-ing people? LIKE. HUH?? I mean so there is a difference between how you treat friends (in the friendzone) and friends who you can see potential??? But then wouldn't that be weird because that's like being attracted to many people at one time HAHAHAH what is going on.

But yea, amusing thought for the week. OKOK now i need to go off and I will be back with my DU post IF I EVER find the motivation to overcome the laziness in me. Cause laziness is REAL. WEW

A Friend.

Recently, I have been thinking about being friends.So a few days back, one of my friend made a passing remark saying that I'm the kind of person who does a lot of things for the people I care for or meant a lot to me. And it just got me thinking about the past two weeks, about the things I did for my friends, how much I would actually push myself just for my friends. And it is not just for my friends but also for my family.

So for this past week I have been studying every single day with the exception of Fri - Sun, because I have friends who are like kind of stressed out by their midterms. And I just wanted to be there for them, even when they didn't ask for it. Actually, come to think about it, I don't even know if my presence makes them feel better or I actually just serve as a distraction LOL. HAHA maybe I should ask them next time. But because I have been pushing myself so much, to be around people so much, I think it really drained me socially. Now that these 2 weeks have finally ended, I really feel very dead.

And then I started to think about why I do what I do. Maybe it is cause I feel like as a friend, it's kind of my responsibility to cater to my friends' needs and be there for them when they need someone. Maybe it is also I know it feels to feel very overwhelmed and wanting someone to be just there. Maybe because I secretly also wish that my friends would do the same for me. Surprising me with a random encouragement note, being there when I just need someone. I don't know. Do I sound like a needy person HAHA?

I realised because of how valuable friendships are to me, I would push myself to the limits for my friends. Even if it would tire me out, even if I have no idea how to go around helping. Even when I feel like someone is making use of me and coming to me only when he/she needs me. Even when I feel like the second choice. I still do my best to help them and allow them to 'make use' of me.

I know that to love someone else properly, I need to first love myself. Before caring and catering to others, I need to learn how to cater to my own needs and take care of myself first. This is something I know I have to learn and I'm really trying to be selfish at times. To choose myself over others. But when it comes to those who are close to my heart, I'm just like I can't resist.

"No one is going to love you. If you don't love yourself."

Just another thing, since I feel like I need to write this out to sort out the whole thing LOL. Inferiority complex is kicking in. How not to when you have so many pretty friends around you. Sometimes I rather people just be direct and like tell me if they like my friends. At least I know how I should treat you. Such mixed feelings about everything. It sucks cause now I think I am getting influenced by the people around me and I am starting to also get very confused about how I feel about everything. LOL. I'm actually contemplating whether to just shut myself away for a few days and get my sanity back LOL. I feel like I'm going crazy. HAHAHAHAHAH WTS. But then again, I think it may be just me overthinking again. As usual. I just pray and hope 3 weeks will pass by quickly so that I can really just pull away. Issit awkward turtle joy is back? HAHAA. Just let there be a clear answer on what to do. I don't like to deal with uncertainty.

"Funny how I can relate so much to this."

AND OMG. Taeyeon looks so pretty hereeee!!