Wew, recess week is ending and boy, was this week an eventful one. LOL. My brain has been thrown on a roller coaster with me thinking about stupid things that should not be my priority as of now. Maybe it is cause I never really gave it a thought before or I never really been in this kind of situation before.
"Am I really overthinking or am I like blind to everything that is happening?"
One moment, things happen and I'm just like is it? Or is it not? Then the next moment I'm just mehhhhh cannot be. Then you have people who are I think it is like that then you have also people who are like no lah I dont think so. Waah cannot sia. I already quite blur sotong one lehh, 不要这样对我. HAHAHAH
But really hopefully that after recess week, things would just become easier LOL. Don't want to deal with shit liddat. Cannot uh, the brain so saturated with work until I cannot deal with shit like this anymore HAHA. And yea, recently, I have been quite scared of myself, my own change. Like I can feel the change in my attitude to a lot of things. To think that literally one year ago, I was not even abit like what I am now. Abit xiao scary 有没有?! But things will show if these changes are good or not. And hopefully, I will not be proven wrong again and won't be going back to my awkward turtle days.
So I was really bored yesterday while trying to my work and I came across this video on youtube.
I actually agree with the things they say. And it does not even just apply to the romance of like, it is a very general like, as in like you as a person as a friend. When I like you as a friend, there is no way that I can hide it. I will try to keep you in my life in every way possible.
For the past year, I have successfully push everyone out of my inner circle because I have enough of people in my inner circle hurting me over and over again. Yea, I'm quite a coward when it comes to opening up. But then again, what am I supposed to do when I have been literally through the same shit of the people who matter leaving me. There is literally nothing I can do but to guard myself against the next friends.
Especially after the last time. After all that drama, I was left with a lot of insecurities, trust issues and really just negativity in general. Even without my guard against people, all those little negativity lurking in every aspect of life has prevented me from believing that I'm worthy enough of people's friendship. Sounds sad but true. Maybe that's why I find it really hard to say no cause I feel like I need to do something to earn the friendship LOL. Unhealthy mindset but I really can't help it.
But somehow things started to change this year. Maybe it's the sentimental side of me that really appreciates having these close human interaction. I started to open up to a lot more people, especially the people from dance. And when I mean people, I mean like everybody including guys. LOL. Looking back at just one year ago, at this timing, I was probably still struggling to hold a proper conversation with a guy. And now, I have become comfortable enough to go out and eat with guys, talk shit with them and just genuinely enjoying being in their company.
For now, I am still enjoying how I have friends to disturb and not feel bad about it HAHAHAH. Sometimes, just SOMETIMES. It really scares me when I think about it. How only 1 year has passed and so many things have changed. (LOL, I felt super overwhelmed writing this sentence, like legit got feels to cry only.) I used to be this awkward turtle who is selfish and really just full negativity. But now, people know me as this clumsy weirdo that brings laughter to wherever she goes and someone whom people can look for and depend on when they are in trouble. It is kind of interesting how life has changed so much for me.
I'm not like how I was.. say 3 years ago? But I have grown so much, become a much better person (omg, when I think back on the shit that I have done, I can't even help but to shake my head at myself), learnt to be more thankful for everyday and just grew much more mature in my mindset. This change is really scary cause it's so fast and furious but I shall welcome it cause I think it's actually quite good. But then again, who knows when things will change again. Cause shit happens only when I start to open up.
HAHA I shall end off here and actually start writing my FAS1102 blog instead. HAHAHA
Ending off with this song. Many people don't really understand why I like this but the lyrics really very relatable.
Sometimes when you put in all your effort to try for something and not only do you do not see the result you want to see, you begin to move even further from what you initially set out to achieve.
I put in really a lot of effort to actually try to open up to people and make friends. But more often than not, I just end up being an awkward turtle and being EVEN more anti-social. I don't know if it's just the people or what. This sem, the people I meet are either not of the same wavelength or like they legit just make friends with me and be friendly with me only when they really need me. There are so many times I just want to give up and go back to being the hermit that I was last semester. At least last sem, I had the energy to go keep in contact with my old friends but this sem, cause of all the new friends, I become so socially zapped that I just don't want to deal with socialising altogether.
I also try my very best to keep pushing myself in dance. But time and time again, I find myself not up to standard and worse, I can't even do what I could do last time and then I end up getting injured so much easily now. I'm once toying with the thought of just pulling out of dance because I just no longer have confidence in myself. Because now I'm determined to regain my confidence, I put in more effort and I subconsciously have higher expectations of myself. Only to end up being proven that I'm actually not good enough or feel the strain in my muscles because I'm not strong enough.
This sem I told myself to keep doing consistent work. I really put in a lot of effort to do so. But I find myself really lagging behind not in terms of just workload but also test/ quizzes kind. Like I went for tutorials and I really couldn't understand any shit that was going in my tutorial.
Sorry for the emo word vomit. It's something I have been wanting to say or rather I have been subtly hinting to a lot of my friends but they either didn't get it or they don't want to really bother about it or they don't know how to react or they just don't think that it's too much of a problem. I don't know. But I really just want to get out of this little 'slump', feel better and find the balance in my life again.
