Who You Are

"I stare at my reflection in the mirror.

Why am I doing this to myself?

Losing my mind on a tiny error,

I nearly left the real me on the shelf."

 It's been so long since I last updated this place cause life after DU has been a tough one catching up to. But that being said, it doesn't mean that nothing good happened during these past 2-3 weeks. I feel like because this period of time where everyone is super busy with their own things (aka assignments and finals), I really got the time to focus on me, myself and I. I really got to choose who I wanted to hang out with, who I should put in the effort to stay in contact or like meet up often. Maybe because everyone is so busy, that's why I have no pressure in trying to ensure that I'm there for everyone else.

Let's just talk about the mundane things, school (aka trying my very best to save my CAP). This sem has been a relatively great one. I really enjoyed most of my modules except maybe one mod (FAS1102 urgh) and this other project group (cause I'm an awkward turtle, God save me). But I have been enjoying learning what is being taught and actually been motivated to learn more about the topics discussed. Kinda sad that this sem ended so quickly ): Thankful for all the good friends and teachers I met, especially my EL1101E teachers (errmaigawd I love them *hearts*)

Moving on to these 2-3weeks. It's actually quite boring. Everyday I would wake up at around 7.30am, wash up and get my breakfast, come back to my room to pack my stuff and move to upper lounge to study at my spot. I swear everyday it's like this. Just studying most of the time. But I have friends who were there, making it so much easier to get through this boring and brain draining period: Zile, Jianing and Niyin. (: Like super thankful for them. They make my day much more entertaining (like the laughing is the laugh-until-I-find-it-hard-to-breathe kind), I get my needed human interaction throughout the day without having to fear that I'm disturbing the shit out of them. We would initially randomly go to the dance room to dance cause we got too saturated from studying whatever we were studying. Really thankful to have gotten so much more closer to them (: Glad that I would be seeing them around more often next semester. ((:

Also, I cleared up some things that was bothering the shit out of me (refer to a few post before i think). Glad to have thought through about how I feel about everything and actually get my focus at where it matters. HAHA being really careful to not talk too much about it cause who knows who is reading. Which is why I'm actually considering moving to wordpress LEL. Can private the blog post without having to make my ENTIRE blog private.

Finally to the last part. Had this chance to open up to Zile and Jianing (on separate occasion) about the things I have been through. And I realised just how much of me I have given up because I don't like myself and I didn't believe myself enough. But no, this is not going to be post about me being determined to change and everything because I'm honestly lost about how to go about doing it still.

Maybe one day, I will be that girl who had faith in herself, who was not afraid to try, who will not let her fears limit her. That girl who truly can enjoy dance, who crave for improvement instead of focusing on the things I didn't managed to do. But as of now, it still seem too far. Because some wounds are not yet okay and some scars are still bright red, reminding me all the time about the things that happened.

"Don't lose who you are

In the blur of the stars.

Seeing is deceiving,

Dreaming is believing.

It's okay not to be okay.

Sometimes it's hard

To follow your heart.

Tears don't mean you are losing,

Everyone's bruising.

There's nothing wrong with who you are."

Dance Uncensored 2017

28th and 29th March marks the end of my DU journey. The seemingly long yet really short dance journey. It may have been a mere about 3 months of work but it was sure tough and I was defeated multiple times. There were so many times where I doubted myself as a dancer, as someone who has danced for the past 15 years or so.

This style of contemp is really very similar to those of Ryan's choreo which is already tough to start with. It requires a lot of strength and control but at the same time, you need to maintain the flow and also the feelings. You need to look shag and tired but you need to make every move look like you meant to do it and that each move is charged with power. You need to drag out some parts but yet you need to drag with accent. You need to show burst of power and yet you still need to ensure that there is a final image you want to achieve so no going over that limit.

Maybe because the past few contemp dances are really easier to execute in general and don't require alot of strength and stamina. It was really hard to catch with the pace of the dance. Like by the time, it was the first chorus, I feel like my entire soul is like gone already. Which only means that I really need to start building up stamina to attempt greater and better pieces in the future.

I kinda enjoyed my DU journey and really cause I got to learn alot more and I really made a lot more new friends in dance. Like intially, in dance, I don't even talk to the RHMP people cause I awks. But now I'm just like wew, who want talk to me I also can talk! (:

Okay lah, actually that's it. Simple and easy cause I cannot think of anymore deep stuff to talk about without being to negative about the whole thing.

Photo time! (not in any specific order HAHA)