Sunk In

The time that I dread coming finally came. Suddenly, I feel all these disappointment bubbling up in me. And the worse part is I have to pretend I'm okay when I'm obviously not. I don't know how I should feel. This is the time when I really want to just hole up and stay by myself. But I have too many responsibilities and obligations that I have to meet. Really tired of smiling and being okay. Really tired of putting exclamation marks and smiley faces in my messages when I don't feel like it but I'm putting it there cause people don't deserve my hostility.

Is it weird that I just want someone to ask me about me, about how I am feeling and be able to see past my facade?

Three Weeks.

It's been 3 weeks since uni started and things are getting worse. It's not just me, everyone around me has commented how I look really tired recently and I can feel it too. For these past week, there were so many times I wanted to just stop what I was doing and just go sleep cause I can't carry on. There were so many times when my mum called and I just wanted to cry (I almost did once). There were so many times I wanted to just shy away from everyone cause I'm too tired to deal with people.

Feeling super disappointed with my performance recently. I let my schedule make a mess out of me, I let dance mess up my priority list in my head, and I let my discipline just fly like that. I missed my first lecture, I slept in my lecture, I overslept a couple of times and I missed my dance audition. What on earth am I doing with my life? I held so much pride in being organised and everything and suddenly, everything is gone.

On Thursday, I finally got the time to talk to Shujing (Thank god for her, she came with me even though she was feeling uncomfortable cause of her period). I didn't realise how much I needed to talk to someone until I spoke to her. I didn't realise how much I was holding in until I poured it out to her. Not that my other friends aren't good enough. Like Jianing, she really tries really hard to be there and making sure I'm not left alone. Zile, she was really stressed up and I barely even got to see her. Enci, she has been so caught up with everything so I don't think it is a good idea to add on. Shujing, I'm sure she has her own problems but she is willing to make the effort, make some time for me, hold my hand and listen to me talk. Like really, thank god for her.

Going back on missing dance audition. The fact that I overslept and missed it haven't really sunk in. But I'm really praying that when it finally sinks in, I wouldn't just break down cause it's dance ensemble, one cca that I was quite intrigued by. And the fact that I let myself become so tired till I overslept and miss something so important scares me. What if I oversleep again and miss something even more important like exams. But honestly, because of this thing, I realised I grew alot. When I realised that it happened, instead of blaming the world for it, instead of sulking, I just put myself back together and went on with my life (cause there was KCIG audition right after that). I'm glad I was able to do that, to stop letting one thing affect my entire performance for the day.

Have not been emotionally stable, with the emotions flying up and down. Need to get my balance back. But on a happier note, I have been satisfying most of my cravings these days. Life izz good. Except I'm probably going to become fat soon.

"I don't know how much more tougher it will become but I know every challenge is a lesson waiting to be learnt."

 

Sudden regret

Suddenly, I'm thinking if it's the right decision to like stay in hall. Like am I legit ready to like do this kind of socialising. I mean it's week 3 and I'm really quite phantom for block events. Then I like don't feel the need to come out from my room to like socialise and do things and like make friends. I don't even want to meet my old friends. Once I reach my room, I just want to go to sleep and stay alone and I'm freaking sian.

I keep telling myself to not keep pushing myself all the way and not keep trying to act positive to everyone else. But I keep subconsciously doing it. I keep trying to put on a super happy face for everyone else. I feel like I will one day just go over the edge and tip over and break.

Maybe it's just cause of the endless work and I damn sian. Everyday, I just keep going to CLB to study or rather try study then I'm actually quite tired. Too much to take in. Too big a change to adjust to.

Heard some things and I realised there are so many things happened without me knowing. But I can't show that I actually know what is going on. Maybe that's why they say ignorance is bliss. To not know anything, at least you can just live your life without having to keep conscious of what you say and do.

Going too close to some people and I can feel myself pulling away from those that are really close because I just want to stay in my own circle and ignore everyone around me. Haish. I don't know lah. I just want to take a week off and stay away from everybody.

Fun fact: I typed all these while having "supper" with 2 dongdong who HAVE to choose to htht about things I'm not about to listen and know. Then I'm super tired of sitting down and not talking cause like wasting my time. ._.

Emo Shit

It's currently 1.16am and I should go to sleep soon if I don't want to die tomorrow morning.

It's been a tough weekend, closed off myself from everybody, fell asleep with my phone turned off. Don't know what got over me but it was really bad, in a way I don't even know if I will okay spending my nights at hall alone for the next few days.

And hopefully, in the days to come, I will slowly find things that will motivate me again and reenergisd me. It's going to get tougher from here and I can only get my shit back together and start working.

I feel bad for holding back all these from my friends but I feel even worse if they ever feel sorry or feel obligated to come help me through this.

"This is just another dip, just another period. It will be over soon and I'll come out of it okay like how I did previously."

Crumbles

Given too much of me to everyone else around me. Been pushing my social battery everyday and trying to keep up with everybody's pace. But at the same time, I forgot to give myself a break. At this time, it's probably the hardest part when it comes to moving to a new lifestyle: adapting. I'm probably one of the luckier ones who have a large group of friends even before I started my journey in NUS. I do not have to worry about going to lectures alone or having no one to have lunch with. But still the life in NUS is rather demanding. It really requires you to step out of your shell and open up to the world. Make new friends, share your opinions and interact with people all day. For someone who is an introvert, it's really a very big change from the JC kind of life where you can hide in the background, stay as low profile as you can but you will still be able to get through it all.

I know how tough it is to get around when you are very friendless and introverted so I keep trying to reach out to people, keep trying to stay positive for the people around me, keep trying to be there for all those who are facing troubles. Slowly, people forget that I'm not someone who has so much positive energy to give and even I forget that I need breathe. Every day in the afternoon, I'm with my raggers and of course, we will be talking and everything and once in a while, someone will come up to me to talk to me about their troubles. (I love them still.) Then, every night, I have to cater to my friends at my hall, especially cause some of them really have not adjusted well. So I stay up to talk to them and keep them company.

Then today, I went for Dance Ensemble open class. I felt so shit during the class cause there were so many things I couldn't do cause of my lack of muscles or my brain just can't process things. And then, there were so many troubles layering over it. There was so little time to digest everything. There was so little space and people around me just keep coming into my space then I end up injuring myself because I really don't want to kick them in the face. (Lel. The extent in which I bruised my knee and strained it is alittle not understandable.) Then I just shut down and all the negativity that I chucked away suddenly caught up with me and overwhelmed me. Ran away from my raggers cause I was so sure that I was going to cry in front of them. (I would have looked so stupid, crying over dance cause I couldn't catch the steps.)

Got home and met mum. But she was so tired and I didn't want to worry her. So, here is me typing out on this little spot cause I'm so tired of explaining to others how I feel. Really tired of reaching out but I'm too scared of being the burden so I keep pushing people away when they reach out to me. Really tired of trying to help people be more positive about this change but I can't shun away from the friends who need my help. Really tired of pretending I'm okay with all these changes in my life but I need to be strong for the friends who are relying on me as their pillar of strength. Really tired of feeling so sucky about myself but I can't see the good in me.

Aunt Agony's Agonys

I don't know if it's the vibe that I give off or what but recently, a lot of people come to me to like chit chat about their problems. I mean I don't know whether it's a good thing or not. I don't mind listening, actually I quite like the feeling that people are willing to trust me and depend on me.

The problem comes when I take all these problems up onto myself and worry about them for the people with the problem. And then I just keep passing them my positive energy in hopes that they feel better after talking to me. But at the same time, I get filled with their negative energy and I just get down. Everytime I walk away from talking to someone, I feel so drained and tired. I feel accomplished but I feel super negative and things. I feel sorry that they are facing these problems and I feel bad for not being able to do much.

And when I become low and everything, it suddenly occurs to me that I don't actually know who I can turn to to pour out all these energy. Cause everybody looks to me for support, I can't afford to crumble in front of them. Especially my closer friends, I don't want to have to turn to them and add on to their burdens.

To all the new friends I made, I can't find it in me to reciprocate the trust they gave me and talk to them cause I'm really quite scared that shit would happen again if I trust again. It's kind of sad how me caring for someone and me treasuring every relationship has always led me to the same conclusion. Caring too much and treasuring more always put you at a more vulnerable spot and when shit happens, while the other party walks away unscathed, I will have to walk away like I lost a part of my life.

Maybe this is the reason why I never ever tried to think of getting into a relationship because if
friends can affect me so much, if friends can break me so easily, what more someone whom I truly am fond of and trust.

"Because of all your selfishness, it crushed me from inside. But until today, I still hope you are happy."

2 Weeks Down

I actually can't really believe that 2 weeks just passed by like that. Maybe that's why seniors say that time pass really quickly in uni. Week 1 passed by like as though it didn't existed and I was super overwhelmed. Cause I fell asleep in my VERY first ges1007 lecture and I was like am I going to be this screwed up for the rest of my semester? I was really down that weekend. Week 2 started and I was really dreading it cause I didn't want to feel like shit. And what's worse I was staying in hall so I would be really far away from my mum. I wouldn't have anyone to fall back on. But today is the last day of week 2 and honestly, it passed by quite quickly yet things were okay. Other than realising I really need to sleep earlier. And watch my diet cause I'm definitely going to grow fat from all the supper I'm ingesting.

Been going dance open classes, and trying out new genres of dance. I really like trying everything but I think it really takes alot of me to actually even sign up to try for it. I just don't want to go for dance classes and look like shit there cause I don't think my confidence level can drop any lower before it reaches critical level again.

"It's kind of sad how because of what happened, I no longer believe in caring. I run away from any chance of me caring too much."

Maybe I got over it and move on. Maybe next time when I finally get to see you again, I will finally see you as a friend.

NUS ARTS RAG 2016

6 August 2016 marks the end of my journey in Rag. This journey has been nothing less than awesome and great. It's the place where I grew so much as a person and also the place where I felt accepted for being just me in a large group. I still remember the time when I was still thinking if I want to sign up for Rag cause of my back issue and also I didn't know if I could handle if by any chance I was proven that I'm not as good as before. But I still took the leap of faith and signed up for Rag. I chose Rag over the many freshman orientation projects because I felt like it was more natural to make friends with people who you meet when working together and also those friendships that you make when you dance together are more likely to last.

Let's rewind, it was like Rag dance tryouts. Thinking it was some kind of audition, I was actually really nervous when I went for it. But turns out, tryout meant that you went there to try out the dance and see if you would like to join as a dancer. And I quite enjoyed it. First practice came and I could remember feeling very lonely cause I was really awkward and everything. I almost became a loner cause Zile had something on on that day but Jianing came to save the day, turns out she was in Rag too! I remember being super grateful to have Jianing in that practice (super superficial but I love her to bits now). Socialising at that point in time was still really daunting to me. Firstly because I'm a total awkward turtle and secondly cause people seem to know each other and they somehow have people they know in common like people they meet during open classes and everything.

And really, for the first few weeks, there were so many times I wanted to just quit rag and give up. The genre of dance was so different and I hated feeling and looking like shit doing something that I truly liked and hold pride in. The people were very intimidating to me and I felt like I didn't really belong there.

Fast forward to the second last week of Rag practices. I have pretty much talked to everybody there and I could actually remember their names and everything. And I have gotten to know many of the people there for who they were instead of the weird little details that I used to try remember their names (cause I suck at remembering names). And probably cause we were nearing the performance day which resulted in emotions running crazy, shit happened. I know it's kind of weird why I would include this in cause it's not a very good memory. But I would say I'm actually quite glad that it happened because I felt more attached to the team after things got cleared up. We started to dance for each other, I started to smile more genuinely in the full runs cause I could see others smiling, we started to give meaning to all the initially rather meaningless cheering in finale. I think it was because everything felt right that's why I feel like time passed so quickly. It was day 5 to rag then suddenly it was day 2. And BAM! It was Rag day.

In that moment on stage, I wasn't even thinking. All I was focused on was just the music and also my dear friends who were on the stage with me. I can't exactly remember what happened on stage. I could only vividly remember how I felt before Yanzheng's quick change. I could legit feel my heart pounding through my chest, I couldn't hear anything anymore, my eyes were like fixed on her. When I rushed to her, things initially screwed up and till today, I still feel quite sorry that I cause unnecessary panic for her. I could still remember how I felt my heart drop back in to my stomach and how the sense of guilt starting to bubble up and my tears were legit starting to well up because I was so sure we were going to fail and it was going to be because of me. And I was just on auto pilot, I just continued to help her get into the shirt cause the show still has to go on. Suddenly, Yanzheng stood up and I heard cheering. Then it struck me, we actually barely made it but we did it. I chucked my built up tension in me and moved on with the dance. When we reached the head bobbing part, I remember thinking, "Is this real? Is this really the end already?" And we ended, I put my hand up and I was so reluctant to actually put it down.

Got off the stage, ran to the shelter because I was starting to feel a little faint probably because of my stupid fever which decided to hit me one day before performance. LOL. At that moment, I was like drifting back and forth between being conscious and quite out of it. I remember a few people came by and was looking at me. Super thankful for the girl from NUSSU who stayed by my side until we went back to the holding area. At the holding area, the choreos were all talking. I sat down and I started to get affected by the atmosphere. It's a weird feeling like a wave of emotions just hit me and I started to bawl my eyes out. I was crying for the tension that was built up during quick change, I was crying for the 2 months that I put in, I was crying for the people that were sitting around me cause that would be the last time we would be sitting together for rag.

"the people who were with me throughout this journey"

To all my friends that I made through Rag, I'm thankful to have met each and everyone of you. I think I said this a few times to a few people before. You guys actually make me see myself in a very different light. I used to think that I'm a weirdo and a really boring and serious being that's why I try not to open up to people. But then with you guys, you guys made me feel like you really appreciated seeing that super weird and stupid side of me. I enjoyed feeling really appreciated everyday cause I was quite used to people just taking me for granted at times. I may come across like a very confident person but I am not. I'm probably the person with the lowest self-esteem, I pretty much look down on myself. But thank you for all the love that I received, thank you for all the good times that I have had spent with all of you and thank you really thank you for letting me be me and letting me feel comfortable being me.

Rag opened my eyes to a lot of things. It taught me that there is nothing you can't do if you are willing to put in the hardwork and dedication. It taught me that there is no such thing as being dumb as long as you are being you. It taught me that you don't have to be someone else to be liked. The people I met in Rag were probably the people that I needed to meet when I was in Secondary and JC. And probably I would have turned out a much happier and confident person. But nonetheless, I'm thankful to have met them cause I believe I have changed quite a bit because of them.

"Rag never ends. And I'm grateful that it doesn't"

Onto the photo spam.

"Flag Day"

"Great day with them"

"First dancer outing"

"With the BUILDERS. Full ragmily"

 

"Our dear 'cage' of fear"

 "The COLOURFUL tree. Michael Jackson."

"My Dearest Prejudging Team."

"Dancers in Prejudging."

"Us in the Cage."

"We are free. We are free!!"

"My Socialising Buddz."

"Eyjing-ahhh."

"Shimin and Peiyjing."

"NYDS14/15 Dancers"

"NYDS (with somebody I actually don't know.)"

"Change Pose"

"Whoop. The Choreos."

"MAGENAAAAAA!"

"Michelle! From OLN!"

"Wenshan. The one I keep on bullying."

"Yuelong. Annoys me but I'm too scared of him to retaliate."

"Cannot have awkward space. PUAHAHA."

"Tianwei. First Choreo I talked to."

"Joann. The Happiest Being when quick change succeeded."

"Sherilyn. The Nicest Blue-haired Senior."

"Shani. The Pretty Lady."

"Serene and Melisa. The cutest in very different ways twins."

"Michelle. The one whom I looked for for the struggle part initially."

"Laural. My Partner-work Partner."

"I probably let you suffer because of my lack of arm muscles."

"Junlin. The one who self-invited himself into our trio."

"Xuanming. The vulgar one. HAHA."

"Introducing the Trio."

"Jianing. The one who understands certain things."

"Zile. The one who held me together when I was in doubt."

"Tianwei's Segment."

"Happy Feet."

"Struggles."

"Yuelong's Segment."

"Zile so dope. I mean it."

"Xuanming jumping over Michelle. Whoop."

"Zombie Part."

"The part I really wanted to do."

"Our Zombie Pose."

"My very fail Jete."

"Struggles."

"Still Struggling."

"Struggling...."

"Broke Free."

"The part we cleaned all the time."

"Kick with Power."

"Whips out the Bandana."

"Magena's Part. I wanted to be in it."

"Revelation. It ain't about how hard you get hit."

"It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward."

"How much you can take and keep moving forward."

"Quick Change. Most Stressful Job."

"Barely succeeded. But we did it."

"I got this feeling."

"I feel that hot blood in my body when it drops. WOOOH."

"Just imagine, just imagine, just. HA. HA. HA. Ha-ha."

"Nothing I can see but you when you dance dance dance."

"Can't stop this feeling. (Got this feeling in my body)"

"Performance ended. But we go on."

Finally reached the end.

Watch this And Enjoy.

And I realised something when I was looking through the photos. My side profile looks good when I'm dancing LOL.