Raffles Hall Musical Production: The Girl with The Red Balloon

22 October 2016, was my highlight of my semester 1. It was the one day that I was working so hard for the entire semester. It was the one day that brought me much joy and laughter but it was also the day that brought me much pain and fatigue. It all started as a very random thought: anyway, I can't really join anything other than dance.. so why not try something that has a little dance? But then it being a musical really held me back from joining the onstage crew cause... HEH. Need sing and act, abit too much for someone who has NEVER in her life sang out loud to anybody and has alot of trouble with public speaking. LEL. So initially, I settled for signing up for Sets.

I don't remember how I even started to talk to Priscilla about RHMP audition and after her persuasion, she managed to like sign me up for the audition even though I missed the deadline like by a LOT LEL. So yes, I got myself signed up for this random RHMP audition, not knowing what I was getting myself into. Went for the audition and guess which stage was I put through first?! HEH. Singing. SINGING. GAWD DAMMIT. And of all songs that I could have chosen, I chose to sing What Are Words (I'm so sorry for ruining this song in every degree possible.) Got through it feeling like I had to strip naked LOL. Legit that was how I felt. Then next came pitch, I was so terrible because somehow the piano just doesn't register in my brain HAHA. And I can VERY clearly remember Sebas being slowly annoyed with helping me HAHAH. And then to make things worse, JianHan was there. OH MY GAWD I felt so embarrassed.

I think after that, I was in this mental breakdown mood or something. I just went through acting without thinking too much. Cause like, I know I definitely cannot act HAHAHA. Then it finally came to dancing! Woohoo!! First part was contemp, praise the lord for the first nice thing to happen that day. It was fast but it was nice (fun fact: the final choreo different from the audition one)!! Next.... couple dancing. *rolls eyes* WHY?!?! Okay anyway, I got paired with this guy (whom I can't remember anymore, how surprising HAHA) and he was really nice to work with. I mean a very typical person who is dancing for the first time. I had to slowly go through the steps with him, encourage him and everything. UNTIL Tristan came over, then he pushed me away and told me this is an audition and I shouldn't be teaching him. I mean honestly till today, I don't really get what he meant. Ok. End of the horrendous day. Went home and kept squirming around cause those embararssing singing times keep replaying in my head.

BUT. Miraculously, I got through. No idea how but somehow I did. And then haish, the tough life as an ensemble started. First up, singing. -.- At that point in time, I was already feeling really shitty about myself because of everything that was going on and to have singing added on to it, I felt like I don't deserve to live anymore cause I was so horrible at everything I do.

Okay lah, don't need to go into too much information about how shitty I was feeling back then during audition and during training cause things just gets worse from there HAHAAH (kidding, good things happened too)

Recess week came and that meant RHMP intensive. Had 3.5 days of RHMP. Honestly, it was a really tough week to get by because we (ensem) were like suddenly expected to act (like legitly) and there were quite high expectations of us to do well and everything. SO at the end of that 3.5 days, I broke down. Huge part of it was cause of catch (contemp item). With just tianran and I who are more... dance inclined (?), I felt responsible to ensure all the other people could keep up but obviously there were alot of problems cause well its contemp. Then i think Tristan (he's pretty nice lah) he said something like I throw my friends under the bus when I was just explaining something to tianran or something. Wah, that sentence just tipped me over. The guilt and frustration just flooded in like no one's business. Went to the toilet and like just broke down cause I was really tired of staying positive even when the comments were not so positive.

BUT, good things also came out of it. I think recess week was the week that I really got to know everyone in ensem and it was also the week that we just had fun and do stupid things together. It was also recess week which brought tianran and i closer, don't know how but somehow did. Fast forward, it was bump in already. Those 3/4 days are for now the best 4 days in Sem 1. Even though I had to suffer with rushing out work after that, those times were really well spent. I had alot of fun and made alot of memories with my dear friends.

Then, reality sunk in. I was about to go out on stage to do mic-check. That moment, I can still feel it, my legs were like jelly. I couldn't stand up and I just sat down, starting to regret joining RHMP. Wanted to pull out, like legit. HAHAAH. okok back to the actual thing. The real performance felt so... surreal. Like, it felt so... weird and fast. Like time went by so quickly and suddenly, we were done with act 1. LIKE ERRMAIGAWD. I remember during finale, when we were all walking around (part of the choreo ah, not i gong), I remember taking the time to look at the interior of the UCC hall and look at the faces around. I remember tearing up just alittle cause that was the last time I would see those faces light up under those glaring spotlight, that was the last time them on that stage in that setting. And then it ended. Just like that, so fast so abruptly.

RHMP honestly to me was a really tough and long journey. With everything that happened at the start of the semester which I shall not elaborate here, the choice to join RHMP really pushed me to my limits and may have pushed me over my limits a couple of times. I went into RHMP doubting I would even be able to survive in there, I went into RHMP wondering how on earth did I end up there and I went into RHMP thinking I was SOOO going to be the burden (not that that is entirely not true lah). But I came out of RHMP feeling a sense of achievement to have performed a non-dance based performance, I came out of RHMP knowing that I would do this again if I were given a choice and I came out of RHMP knowing that it is okay to be a burden because I had a great team to fall back on. Which brings me to my next point. The friends that I met through ensem.

Went into ensem knowing nobody, not a single dong from the same course or same block. Everyone had someone they somewhat knew before this RHMP shit except for me. But then when recess week came, I was able to talk to alot more people and actually get to know them. Here is where the weird part comes, after recess week, I have no idea why I was suddenly really awkward with everybody in ensem. Like when I see them outside of RHMP, I just look down and pray that they didn't see me so they will just walk past me. It was really bad. Even during practice, I was like awkwardly floating around cause well, I didn't know what to say. So for a very long time, I had alittle crisis of almost breaking away from the ensem. But bump in came about, things were slightly better cause the stage makes me naturally do stupid things and when people laugh at me, well, i just laugh along so at least got interaction there lah.

Ok, fast forward to bump in a few days before the actual thing. I feel like that was when I truly feel like close to my ensem people. I actually feel like I genuinely had fun all while being myself. Which I'm extremely grateful. Even though I still was very awkward with like a few people LEL.
(as you can see Joy is starting to get lazy here)

What's a performance without Joy fainting right? LOL. Can't believe I actually almost fainted once and then legit faint the second time. Okay first time, I really don't know why also LOL. Just whoop feel like fainting. HAHA. Second time was the horror. I knew I was going to faint. So there was a full run at 7pm and I had a meeting with my GER1000 tutor till 6.30pm at Uni Hall. So I ran back all the way to UCC (because the bus refuses to arrive and save my day. ._.) in like 10 mins, change into my outfit, put on super light makeup because time was not one my side. And then off I go for full run (with an empty stomach and an already over-exerted body). And then BAM! Right after song 4, I just went unconscious. But this time was legit scary cause I have no recollection of what happened. Like phew.... I REALLY need to learn how to perform within my own body limits.

(i need to conclude this so PHOTO TIME!!)

 "Damn blur but this is our official first ensem photo"

"Stupid things we do together"

 "Everyone wants to join the green club huehue"

 "proud founders of the green club"

 "a damn cool bts photo"

 "random shujing appears"

"pretty performance shots that I'm too shy to post"

 "Finale: when the ensem go marching in"

"we look damn happy here HAHA"

okok.. dedication time~ even though they prolly won't even get to read it HAHA

First up, my very pretty friend, Audrey. Super thankful for her. She was my first friend in Ensem cause well I had no friends. And she was also my anchor for singing. Like praise the lord for her. She was super willing and patient with me even though I screw up 99.9999% of the time HAHA. She may seem cold and abit hard to approach at first but man, when you get to know her, she is an angel.

Whoop, here is Annabelle. I met her through audition and honestly, I was quite intimidated by her lah cause she can sing like a dolphin LEL. She almost made it into cast and thank gawd she didn't (i sound super bad) cause I wouldn't have met such a wonderful friend. She is really willing to learn and it warms my heart to see her trying her very best when learning contemp in RHdance.

HAHA, the same surname and same ethnic one ah, Shaun. Honestly, I thought quite hard lah to see if I should include him HAHA. He may be full of rubbish but he can be quite deep at times. Thanks for being a serious ass during catch and trying to get the guys' standard as high as possible lah horh. HAHA, I hope you find the one for you soon!

AHAHAHAAH it's Linus the Cupid. Well, the reason why we became dancing partners was cause he didn't know anybody and he sort of know me ._. Okay lah, it was great getting to know him abit better through RHMP though I have to say I still am very awkward with him cause of everything that happened during Rag. It's just me but mehh, I can't get over it and somemore he once joking (hopefully!!) said I ostracised him during Rag. Errmaigawd HAHA. Another fun fact, we can't make eye contact when we dance, we just can't. HAHAHA

HHAHA it's Rubin, my dance partner in Catch. Thank you for tolerating all my burden (including my weight but thank gawd they removed the legit carry part). Thank you for always like trying your very best HAHA. I feel damn bad towards him cause like I just can't trust him enough and I'm just awkward with him (there are reasons but meh I shall not write it here). I don't see him around anymore but HAHAH if there is something going on with that girl, huehue all the best~ HAHHA

HEHEHE Mingxuan, aka my good-food friend. She is one of the hidden treasure that I found in Ensem. It didn't occur to me initially just how precious she was until RHMP ended. Throughout my entire journey, she has always been there when I was feeling down and when I was feeling discouraged. I mean I had friends to turn to but she was one who would notice and approach me before I said anything. Damn her for all her good food snaps but heh im looking forward to going out with her to go eat good food WHOOP.

It's Roujing!! My dear founder of the green club. I love how she approach us and see us as friends. Even though I didn't get close to her like directly (it was through tianran), we had a lot of good times together. Thank you for choreo-ing for us and thank you for being very patient with us. Hope to get to know you even better and hopefully I can finally get past my senior-junior barrier.

WOOOHOOO it's finally her, Tianran!! She is my biggest takeaway from RHMP. Not sure how we actually became friends and then became close. But slowly, we started to see each other almost everyday. Be it for breakfast, dinner, CCA or just random chitchats. She is one person who has a great smile and yet hides alot of stories and pain behind her smile. She taught me to be a better person and she understands how I feel with my insecurities. She has never hesitated to rush to me when I feel like I'm slipping into the slump again. I'm genuinely thankful for her.

Conflicted.

Haish, mid terms are coming up and I'm barely ready for them. OH GAWDDD. Is this going to be my life for my entire uni journey? ): But okay lah, honestly I'm not super dying yet. I just need to get my shit together and really start mugging. I thought I would do really badly for my PL2131 and my FAS1101 cause stats was horrible like I don't know if I'm correct anot (and I was probably just lucky, most of the questions that I guess I prolly guessed correctly) and well, for fas1101, I suck in English and that is basically it.

Overview essay is due on Friday and I legit only started on Monday, super super screwed up PUAHAHAHA. But anyway, I was consulting my prof about my thesis statement and then wah I was super touched. My prof said that from observing me during tutorial, I'm someone who has really deep thoughts and she really doesn't worry about me not being able to cover my breadth and depth. She said I'm the opposite of everyone else, she ask other people to write more specific but for me, she want me to just focus on one of my idea. And then when she read my thesis statement (the one that I squeezed all my brain juice to do on mon), she was like it was good and that I just need to make minor changes and that she is very glad that this version is a huge improvement from my previous one. HAHA, she even said ask me to record myself when I'm talking to myself about what I wanted to write cause apparently, I express myself better when I speak than when I sit down and think about what I wanted to write and like actually try to phrase it into words. Super happy that I'm not doing too badly for my schoolwork. I was so scared that my Alevel slump haven't ended yet. I mean actually not exactly ended already but now it's easier to overcome.

Received email from synergy about dance camp and I'm actually hesitating whether I should just pull out from the CCA cause I don't think I'm actually getting out of my slump anytime soon. And oh ya, back to the point of the title. I know that the way things unfolded is nobody's fault, especially not theirs. But somehow I don't know how to go around facing them anymore. Like I actually dread seeing people I know now, I keep looking at the ground because at least I don't see them and I can just walk past. It's not that I don't treasure those friendships made but I just don't know how to deal with my own emotions when I'm around them.

Say hi to this woman, Tianran. Legit super thankful for her. I suddenly become super awkward with my RHMP people and the only person that I'm still okay with is her. I mean it's super understandable, she is in most of the same cca as me and even in rhmp she in the same items as me so how not to be close. She is probably the only person I can talk to about stuff that I would have been too paiseh to tell anybody else (about rhmp only ah). She is someone I want to keep in my life even after rhmp ends. Like I would actually be damn sad if we just not talk anymore.

Okok, I need to go do work already before I regret it the next morning. Oh btw, I have been super guai with my schedule. Like I make the effort to actually to wake up at 7.30am every morning to eat breakfast and sleep earlier. I feel super proud and yes, it also means more time spent with tianran HAHA. Cause she literally is the only person I can jio to go eat breakfast and dinner without feeling burden or rush to eat anytime cause we facing same cca burden HAHA. Okok bye. HAHA.

Confidence.

It's been so long since I blogged cause I physically couldn't. These past few weeks have been just wake up, do work, CCA then sleep. But yea, many things happened in this one week. Alot of realisation and alot of breaking down.

It's been so long since I have seen my friends from rag. I mean I keep saying I'm very busy and everything but deep down I know they are just excuses. I don't know why but I don't know how to carry myself around them anymore. I'm trying my best to cut down my connections with them but it's almost impossible. So when they say they want to come support me, I like damn paiseh cause it is not big at all, like I'm just this little ensemble when everyone else is making good their journey.

Anyway, have been at rhmp for past few days. Never felt so tired before. Every night, I can feel my brain protesting in my skull telling me to go and sleep and heck it all. But it was fun nonetheless like I got to talk to alot of the people I never got to talk to before. But then again, there were also times when I just wanted to completely shut down, cause I was really tired. Times when I felt like shit, when I can't catch the right notes, when I can't catch the right move, when I can't catch the right cue. Those times I just wanted to run away and cry.

Tristan came over to ask a group of us me included why we always get the timing wrong and shit. And then I told him I was really not confident with what I was doing on that stage. Singing cause well, I never sang in front of a huge crowd before. Acting cause well, again never acted in my life. Dancing cause haish long story. But yea basically, I'm not as confident as people think I am cause honestly I'm probably the epitome of not being confident. I doubt everything I do, I put myself down everytime I screw up on something even if it's something small.

It's really getting to me. This lack of confidence. I don't see myself worthy of anything. Was watching my past XMCD dances and I really regret not being confident enough to go for the audition. Who knows maybe I would have gotten in. But then again, if I didn't, it would be even harder to deal with everything now. Officially fallen into the slump, where I just don't dare to dance anymore, where I just want to ignore everything and pretend like dance was never part of me.

Haven't got to talk about this to anybody, maybe except magena in full details. I know I have got to stop before I ruin myself but the inner demons are so loud now. Super thankful that Magena even bother replying me. But I can feel even at times she also don't know what to do with me.

These days when I open my door at hall, I find myself hoping to see a letter to tell me to hang on, to tell me that I'm great. Like I feel like a whiny ass but such surprises are much appreciated. On the last day of rhmp camp, I finally broke down. From being tired of having to put up the happy front cause I'm Joy, to feeling super guilty that an item cannot be perfected cause I couldn't help my friends enough, to feeling like a burden because I simply don't know what note to sing, to feeling dumb cause I keep on screwing up on the same dance, to feeling super not confident with the "big" role that I have in one part of rhmp.

Never liked to shine under spotlight cause it was too much burden and stress and responsibility for this useless creature to handle. It was worse when people were telling me that I just needed to be more confident of myself and that I'm actually doing great. I just couldn't stop crying had to run away from them cause I felt super paiseh. And please for goodness sake, never let any of them chance upon this post.

Sidetrack abit. Been thinking about something alot, to the extent that it's alittle overthinking already. Maybe cause I'm not good enough, maybe cause I'm not appealing enough (what a weird phrasing). I don't know I feel like I blend in with the background so much that people usually don't notice that I'm there. Stupid you, make me think so much. Stupid me, for allowing myself to think so much. It's too early anyway.

Finding Balance

It has been six weeks since uni started. I already had my first mid-terms (puke blood). Went for most of my CCAs already and met new friends there, well except for synergy, which I'm honestly thinking about pulling out because well I won't be there in Sem1 and Sem2's production is based on Sem1's attendance so...

Went for campvision session 1 on Mon which was a public holiday but nope, hall life is no life so yea back in school in the morning on a public holiday. During the session, there were so many times I really wanted to just nua and give up and be a pile of negative shit cause I was really tired. But I'm glad that I joined this because weirdly enough, the activities really do evoke emotions in me. Especially perseverance push, I didn't dare to say my real goal which is to actually just get out of my dance slump and stop thinking so lowly of myself. But watching someone else do the perseverance push and breaking down, it scared me cause it's allowing my inner demon to have a voice.

Will I ever be okay enough to dare to try new things? Or will I eventually just choose to give up dancing as a whole? I know it's damn immature of me to just give up dance because of a few failures but it's really tough, to be told you aren't good at something you thought you were only good at.

Anyway, really proud of myself for these past 2 weeks. Refusing to give in to peer pressure and just keep to myself and have my own time. I feel like I got used to being alone again so now I'm more efficient when using my time cause I'm not spending half of my time thinking about how to entertain my friends. And also, this period let me see clearly who are those who truly care, who are those who don't. I'm not someone you look for when you have no one. I will be here if you need me but don't ever take me for granted. I had enough people who did that to me and tore me down.

Hall life has been fine. So has all my CCAs, I don't regret joining any of them except for their lapsup timing. Like man, CCA from 7pm to 12am. I died. But yea I truly enjoyed my time there. (:

"Something will happen eventually. I'm scared but I'm enjoying right now too much."

My Ensemble People. HAHA source of joy every mon, wed and fri.

Street Jazz at RHdance. Thank god for RHdance, if not I prolly would stop dancing totally

I miss being confident in what I love to do.

To give it up or not?

Something that I have always done in my life, it has been part of my life since I was little. It played such an powerful role when I was searching for my identity in this world, it played such a significant role when I was shaped into the person I am now, it played such an important role when I was going through tough times. It was the good and bad in my life. It let me taste the sweetest feeling of accomplishment and success, it let me feel the simple and innocence of pure bliss and genuine relationship. At the same time, it also fed my inner demons and my crave for perfection physically, it broke me down several times and made me feel like shit many times too.

To give dance up, it has never been my consideration even when things were tough. But recently, something changed, I find myself thinking if I should just give dance up as a whole. No doubt, it is such a big part in my life. But I started thinking if I'm good enough for dance, if dance was not going to be my obstacle to achieving my goals in life, if dance was going to break me more than it was going to help me. I still love dance, maybe even more than when I was young, but I have been failing dance so much recently.

I find myself naturally leaning towards any showcase or performances I can join just cause I can do what I enjoy doing. But maybe it is my super high expectation of myself, or it is my really lacking body, I find myself shaking my head at myself when I watch myself dance. With all the auditions and dancing going on now, I have been told time to time again that I'm not good enough. I know people are probably just going to roll their eyes at me and tell me I don't need these shit to prove that I'm good in dance. But when you dance, the only affirmation that you can ever get are these. I look at the people around doing well in dance and yes, somehow I'm always surrounded by people who can dance damn well and are doing very well with their dance pursuit.

It is really tough when I go back to my room, all by myself. My inner demons would flood in and tell me everything I did not do well that day and 90% of the things are dance-related. I didn't do this well today, I didn't last through the PT today etc. So many things I can criticise myself on and so many people I can compare myself to. While many compare themselves to make themselves feel better, there is me who compare myself to tell myself I'm not good enough. People have been telling me I'm a good dancer, very versatile and shit. But no, nothing shows.

Anyway, I have just been really stressed about all my commitments. It is so bad that I still want to go dance so much but because I'm too scared to fail to go try and fight for my opportunities that I missed out on so much. It is really sad to say but I'm genuinely thinking about whether I should just give all of these up. Whether I should give my soul a break and give it one less thing to suffer my brutal treatment. Can't believe I'm tearing up typing about this and talking about this.

"Can I really give all these up? Should I give all these up? Do I still have the right and ability to keep all these?"

Sunk In

The time that I dread coming finally came. Suddenly, I feel all these disappointment bubbling up in me. And the worse part is I have to pretend I'm okay when I'm obviously not. I don't know how I should feel. This is the time when I really want to just hole up and stay by myself. But I have too many responsibilities and obligations that I have to meet. Really tired of smiling and being okay. Really tired of putting exclamation marks and smiley faces in my messages when I don't feel like it but I'm putting it there cause people don't deserve my hostility.

Is it weird that I just want someone to ask me about me, about how I am feeling and be able to see past my facade?

Three Weeks.

It's been 3 weeks since uni started and things are getting worse. It's not just me, everyone around me has commented how I look really tired recently and I can feel it too. For these past week, there were so many times I wanted to just stop what I was doing and just go sleep cause I can't carry on. There were so many times when my mum called and I just wanted to cry (I almost did once). There were so many times I wanted to just shy away from everyone cause I'm too tired to deal with people.

Feeling super disappointed with my performance recently. I let my schedule make a mess out of me, I let dance mess up my priority list in my head, and I let my discipline just fly like that. I missed my first lecture, I slept in my lecture, I overslept a couple of times and I missed my dance audition. What on earth am I doing with my life? I held so much pride in being organised and everything and suddenly, everything is gone.

On Thursday, I finally got the time to talk to Shujing (Thank god for her, she came with me even though she was feeling uncomfortable cause of her period). I didn't realise how much I needed to talk to someone until I spoke to her. I didn't realise how much I was holding in until I poured it out to her. Not that my other friends aren't good enough. Like Jianing, she really tries really hard to be there and making sure I'm not left alone. Zile, she was really stressed up and I barely even got to see her. Enci, she has been so caught up with everything so I don't think it is a good idea to add on. Shujing, I'm sure she has her own problems but she is willing to make the effort, make some time for me, hold my hand and listen to me talk. Like really, thank god for her.

Going back on missing dance audition. The fact that I overslept and missed it haven't really sunk in. But I'm really praying that when it finally sinks in, I wouldn't just break down cause it's dance ensemble, one cca that I was quite intrigued by. And the fact that I let myself become so tired till I overslept and miss something so important scares me. What if I oversleep again and miss something even more important like exams. But honestly, because of this thing, I realised I grew alot. When I realised that it happened, instead of blaming the world for it, instead of sulking, I just put myself back together and went on with my life (cause there was KCIG audition right after that). I'm glad I was able to do that, to stop letting one thing affect my entire performance for the day.

Have not been emotionally stable, with the emotions flying up and down. Need to get my balance back. But on a happier note, I have been satisfying most of my cravings these days. Life izz good. Except I'm probably going to become fat soon.

"I don't know how much more tougher it will become but I know every challenge is a lesson waiting to be learnt."

 

Sudden regret

Suddenly, I'm thinking if it's the right decision to like stay in hall. Like am I legit ready to like do this kind of socialising. I mean it's week 3 and I'm really quite phantom for block events. Then I like don't feel the need to come out from my room to like socialise and do things and like make friends. I don't even want to meet my old friends. Once I reach my room, I just want to go to sleep and stay alone and I'm freaking sian.

I keep telling myself to not keep pushing myself all the way and not keep trying to act positive to everyone else. But I keep subconsciously doing it. I keep trying to put on a super happy face for everyone else. I feel like I will one day just go over the edge and tip over and break.

Maybe it's just cause of the endless work and I damn sian. Everyday, I just keep going to CLB to study or rather try study then I'm actually quite tired. Too much to take in. Too big a change to adjust to.

Heard some things and I realised there are so many things happened without me knowing. But I can't show that I actually know what is going on. Maybe that's why they say ignorance is bliss. To not know anything, at least you can just live your life without having to keep conscious of what you say and do.

Going too close to some people and I can feel myself pulling away from those that are really close because I just want to stay in my own circle and ignore everyone around me. Haish. I don't know lah. I just want to take a week off and stay away from everybody.

Fun fact: I typed all these while having "supper" with 2 dongdong who HAVE to choose to htht about things I'm not about to listen and know. Then I'm super tired of sitting down and not talking cause like wasting my time. ._.

Emo Shit

It's currently 1.16am and I should go to sleep soon if I don't want to die tomorrow morning.

It's been a tough weekend, closed off myself from everybody, fell asleep with my phone turned off. Don't know what got over me but it was really bad, in a way I don't even know if I will okay spending my nights at hall alone for the next few days.

And hopefully, in the days to come, I will slowly find things that will motivate me again and reenergisd me. It's going to get tougher from here and I can only get my shit back together and start working.

I feel bad for holding back all these from my friends but I feel even worse if they ever feel sorry or feel obligated to come help me through this.

"This is just another dip, just another period. It will be over soon and I'll come out of it okay like how I did previously."

Crumbles

Given too much of me to everyone else around me. Been pushing my social battery everyday and trying to keep up with everybody's pace. But at the same time, I forgot to give myself a break. At this time, it's probably the hardest part when it comes to moving to a new lifestyle: adapting. I'm probably one of the luckier ones who have a large group of friends even before I started my journey in NUS. I do not have to worry about going to lectures alone or having no one to have lunch with. But still the life in NUS is rather demanding. It really requires you to step out of your shell and open up to the world. Make new friends, share your opinions and interact with people all day. For someone who is an introvert, it's really a very big change from the JC kind of life where you can hide in the background, stay as low profile as you can but you will still be able to get through it all.

I know how tough it is to get around when you are very friendless and introverted so I keep trying to reach out to people, keep trying to stay positive for the people around me, keep trying to be there for all those who are facing troubles. Slowly, people forget that I'm not someone who has so much positive energy to give and even I forget that I need breathe. Every day in the afternoon, I'm with my raggers and of course, we will be talking and everything and once in a while, someone will come up to me to talk to me about their troubles. (I love them still.) Then, every night, I have to cater to my friends at my hall, especially cause some of them really have not adjusted well. So I stay up to talk to them and keep them company.

Then today, I went for Dance Ensemble open class. I felt so shit during the class cause there were so many things I couldn't do cause of my lack of muscles or my brain just can't process things. And then, there were so many troubles layering over it. There was so little time to digest everything. There was so little space and people around me just keep coming into my space then I end up injuring myself because I really don't want to kick them in the face. (Lel. The extent in which I bruised my knee and strained it is alittle not understandable.) Then I just shut down and all the negativity that I chucked away suddenly caught up with me and overwhelmed me. Ran away from my raggers cause I was so sure that I was going to cry in front of them. (I would have looked so stupid, crying over dance cause I couldn't catch the steps.)

Got home and met mum. But she was so tired and I didn't want to worry her. So, here is me typing out on this little spot cause I'm so tired of explaining to others how I feel. Really tired of reaching out but I'm too scared of being the burden so I keep pushing people away when they reach out to me. Really tired of trying to help people be more positive about this change but I can't shun away from the friends who need my help. Really tired of pretending I'm okay with all these changes in my life but I need to be strong for the friends who are relying on me as their pillar of strength. Really tired of feeling so sucky about myself but I can't see the good in me.

Aunt Agony's Agonys

I don't know if it's the vibe that I give off or what but recently, a lot of people come to me to like chit chat about their problems. I mean I don't know whether it's a good thing or not. I don't mind listening, actually I quite like the feeling that people are willing to trust me and depend on me.

The problem comes when I take all these problems up onto myself and worry about them for the people with the problem. And then I just keep passing them my positive energy in hopes that they feel better after talking to me. But at the same time, I get filled with their negative energy and I just get down. Everytime I walk away from talking to someone, I feel so drained and tired. I feel accomplished but I feel super negative and things. I feel sorry that they are facing these problems and I feel bad for not being able to do much.

And when I become low and everything, it suddenly occurs to me that I don't actually know who I can turn to to pour out all these energy. Cause everybody looks to me for support, I can't afford to crumble in front of them. Especially my closer friends, I don't want to have to turn to them and add on to their burdens.

To all the new friends I made, I can't find it in me to reciprocate the trust they gave me and talk to them cause I'm really quite scared that shit would happen again if I trust again. It's kind of sad how me caring for someone and me treasuring every relationship has always led me to the same conclusion. Caring too much and treasuring more always put you at a more vulnerable spot and when shit happens, while the other party walks away unscathed, I will have to walk away like I lost a part of my life.

Maybe this is the reason why I never ever tried to think of getting into a relationship because if
friends can affect me so much, if friends can break me so easily, what more someone whom I truly am fond of and trust.

"Because of all your selfishness, it crushed me from inside. But until today, I still hope you are happy."

2 Weeks Down

I actually can't really believe that 2 weeks just passed by like that. Maybe that's why seniors say that time pass really quickly in uni. Week 1 passed by like as though it didn't existed and I was super overwhelmed. Cause I fell asleep in my VERY first ges1007 lecture and I was like am I going to be this screwed up for the rest of my semester? I was really down that weekend. Week 2 started and I was really dreading it cause I didn't want to feel like shit. And what's worse I was staying in hall so I would be really far away from my mum. I wouldn't have anyone to fall back on. But today is the last day of week 2 and honestly, it passed by quite quickly yet things were okay. Other than realising I really need to sleep earlier. And watch my diet cause I'm definitely going to grow fat from all the supper I'm ingesting.

Been going dance open classes, and trying out new genres of dance. I really like trying everything but I think it really takes alot of me to actually even sign up to try for it. I just don't want to go for dance classes and look like shit there cause I don't think my confidence level can drop any lower before it reaches critical level again.

"It's kind of sad how because of what happened, I no longer believe in caring. I run away from any chance of me caring too much."

Maybe I got over it and move on. Maybe next time when I finally get to see you again, I will finally see you as a friend.

NUS ARTS RAG 2016

6 August 2016 marks the end of my journey in Rag. This journey has been nothing less than awesome and great. It's the place where I grew so much as a person and also the place where I felt accepted for being just me in a large group. I still remember the time when I was still thinking if I want to sign up for Rag cause of my back issue and also I didn't know if I could handle if by any chance I was proven that I'm not as good as before. But I still took the leap of faith and signed up for Rag. I chose Rag over the many freshman orientation projects because I felt like it was more natural to make friends with people who you meet when working together and also those friendships that you make when you dance together are more likely to last.

Let's rewind, it was like Rag dance tryouts. Thinking it was some kind of audition, I was actually really nervous when I went for it. But turns out, tryout meant that you went there to try out the dance and see if you would like to join as a dancer. And I quite enjoyed it. First practice came and I could remember feeling very lonely cause I was really awkward and everything. I almost became a loner cause Zile had something on on that day but Jianing came to save the day, turns out she was in Rag too! I remember being super grateful to have Jianing in that practice (super superficial but I love her to bits now). Socialising at that point in time was still really daunting to me. Firstly because I'm a total awkward turtle and secondly cause people seem to know each other and they somehow have people they know in common like people they meet during open classes and everything.

And really, for the first few weeks, there were so many times I wanted to just quit rag and give up. The genre of dance was so different and I hated feeling and looking like shit doing something that I truly liked and hold pride in. The people were very intimidating to me and I felt like I didn't really belong there.

Fast forward to the second last week of Rag practices. I have pretty much talked to everybody there and I could actually remember their names and everything. And I have gotten to know many of the people there for who they were instead of the weird little details that I used to try remember their names (cause I suck at remembering names). And probably cause we were nearing the performance day which resulted in emotions running crazy, shit happened. I know it's kind of weird why I would include this in cause it's not a very good memory. But I would say I'm actually quite glad that it happened because I felt more attached to the team after things got cleared up. We started to dance for each other, I started to smile more genuinely in the full runs cause I could see others smiling, we started to give meaning to all the initially rather meaningless cheering in finale. I think it was because everything felt right that's why I feel like time passed so quickly. It was day 5 to rag then suddenly it was day 2. And BAM! It was Rag day.

In that moment on stage, I wasn't even thinking. All I was focused on was just the music and also my dear friends who were on the stage with me. I can't exactly remember what happened on stage. I could only vividly remember how I felt before Yanzheng's quick change. I could legit feel my heart pounding through my chest, I couldn't hear anything anymore, my eyes were like fixed on her. When I rushed to her, things initially screwed up and till today, I still feel quite sorry that I cause unnecessary panic for her. I could still remember how I felt my heart drop back in to my stomach and how the sense of guilt starting to bubble up and my tears were legit starting to well up because I was so sure we were going to fail and it was going to be because of me. And I was just on auto pilot, I just continued to help her get into the shirt cause the show still has to go on. Suddenly, Yanzheng stood up and I heard cheering. Then it struck me, we actually barely made it but we did it. I chucked my built up tension in me and moved on with the dance. When we reached the head bobbing part, I remember thinking, "Is this real? Is this really the end already?" And we ended, I put my hand up and I was so reluctant to actually put it down.

Got off the stage, ran to the shelter because I was starting to feel a little faint probably because of my stupid fever which decided to hit me one day before performance. LOL. At that moment, I was like drifting back and forth between being conscious and quite out of it. I remember a few people came by and was looking at me. Super thankful for the girl from NUSSU who stayed by my side until we went back to the holding area. At the holding area, the choreos were all talking. I sat down and I started to get affected by the atmosphere. It's a weird feeling like a wave of emotions just hit me and I started to bawl my eyes out. I was crying for the tension that was built up during quick change, I was crying for the 2 months that I put in, I was crying for the people that were sitting around me cause that would be the last time we would be sitting together for rag.

"the people who were with me throughout this journey"

To all my friends that I made through Rag, I'm thankful to have met each and everyone of you. I think I said this a few times to a few people before. You guys actually make me see myself in a very different light. I used to think that I'm a weirdo and a really boring and serious being that's why I try not to open up to people. But then with you guys, you guys made me feel like you really appreciated seeing that super weird and stupid side of me. I enjoyed feeling really appreciated everyday cause I was quite used to people just taking me for granted at times. I may come across like a very confident person but I am not. I'm probably the person with the lowest self-esteem, I pretty much look down on myself. But thank you for all the love that I received, thank you for all the good times that I have had spent with all of you and thank you really thank you for letting me be me and letting me feel comfortable being me.

Rag opened my eyes to a lot of things. It taught me that there is nothing you can't do if you are willing to put in the hardwork and dedication. It taught me that there is no such thing as being dumb as long as you are being you. It taught me that you don't have to be someone else to be liked. The people I met in Rag were probably the people that I needed to meet when I was in Secondary and JC. And probably I would have turned out a much happier and confident person. But nonetheless, I'm thankful to have met them cause I believe I have changed quite a bit because of them.

"Rag never ends. And I'm grateful that it doesn't"

Onto the photo spam.

"Flag Day"

"Great day with them"

"First dancer outing"

"With the BUILDERS. Full ragmily"

 

"Our dear 'cage' of fear"

 "The COLOURFUL tree. Michael Jackson."

"My Dearest Prejudging Team."

"Dancers in Prejudging."

"Us in the Cage."

"We are free. We are free!!"

"My Socialising Buddz."

"Eyjing-ahhh."

"Shimin and Peiyjing."

"NYDS14/15 Dancers"

"NYDS (with somebody I actually don't know.)"

"Change Pose"

"Whoop. The Choreos."

"MAGENAAAAAA!"

"Michelle! From OLN!"

"Wenshan. The one I keep on bullying."

"Yuelong. Annoys me but I'm too scared of him to retaliate."

"Cannot have awkward space. PUAHAHA."

"Tianwei. First Choreo I talked to."

"Joann. The Happiest Being when quick change succeeded."

"Sherilyn. The Nicest Blue-haired Senior."

"Shani. The Pretty Lady."

"Serene and Melisa. The cutest in very different ways twins."

"Michelle. The one whom I looked for for the struggle part initially."

"Laural. My Partner-work Partner."

"I probably let you suffer because of my lack of arm muscles."

"Junlin. The one who self-invited himself into our trio."

"Xuanming. The vulgar one. HAHA."

"Introducing the Trio."

"Jianing. The one who understands certain things."

"Zile. The one who held me together when I was in doubt."

"Tianwei's Segment."

"Happy Feet."

"Struggles."

"Yuelong's Segment."

"Zile so dope. I mean it."

"Xuanming jumping over Michelle. Whoop."

"Zombie Part."

"The part I really wanted to do."

"Our Zombie Pose."

"My very fail Jete."

"Struggles."

"Still Struggling."

"Struggling...."

"Broke Free."

"The part we cleaned all the time."

"Kick with Power."

"Whips out the Bandana."

"Magena's Part. I wanted to be in it."

"Revelation. It ain't about how hard you get hit."

"It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward."

"How much you can take and keep moving forward."

"Quick Change. Most Stressful Job."

"Barely succeeded. But we did it."

"I got this feeling."

"I feel that hot blood in my body when it drops. WOOOH."

"Just imagine, just imagine, just. HA. HA. HA. Ha-ha."

"Nothing I can see but you when you dance dance dance."

"Can't stop this feeling. (Got this feeling in my body)"

"Performance ended. But we go on."

Finally reached the end.

Watch this And Enjoy.

And I realised something when I was looking through the photos. My side profile looks good when I'm dancing LOL.