No doubt, this week has been really bad. Never felt so discouraged for quite a while. Many people have told me that I'm good and that I really have a good attitude for dance. Like how I don't compare myself with others and how I'm generally okay with positioning. But what they don't know is that I'm no angel, only human. I feel like gnawing sad and envious feeling every time someone else is chosen as the lead or as the people in front. It's like all these years (even in Xinmin), regardless of how much effort I put in, I'm never the best. I can never reach the top position. But after so many years of this shit happening to me, you would think that I would have gotten used to it. Nope, I have not. I still feel demoralised when it happens to me, like why am I never good enough.
I know there are many people who would never associate me with the words "shy" "introverted" "socially awkward" cause I'm naturally a loud person and when I go full out, I can come across as a little eccentric. And really I don't blame people when they give me that look when I tell them I'm actually a rather shy person. And maybe because people tend to have that expectation of me (as in like as a loud and outgoing person and yaknow happy in general), I really try very hard to be that way all the time.
So that was how it was in dance for this past week. The seniors found it easier to interact with me when I was in my eccentric mode and they start to joke around with me which is a good thing, not complaining. So I started to push myself a lot to be that Joy everyone expects me to be and would look kindly at. But there is a limit to how much of my positive energy I can radiate. And with all the setbacks coming one by one, slowly I was losing the stamina to show my cheerful side.
So I settled with being quiet like always. And usually people don't think too much about it, they would just assume that I'm tired. So they will just leave me alone and everything. But what they don't know is that I was slowly getting really frustrated with myself. In my brain, it's like I can't justify why I am putting in so much effort for this when I see no reward at the end of it.
You might think it is easy being loud. But for someone like me, every moment I spent loud and outgoing is me putting extra effort to suppress the melancholy side of me. And after a while, my energy level is drained fast. And it is not just having to suppress my melancholy side that's tiring. It also having to deal with the variety of reaction to me. I mean generally everybody is very appreciative and reacts positively to me. But then there will always be that few who just don't think too well of me because of the image I portray. Like there was this senior who I can feel her disapproving vibe every time I become a bit louder whether it is intentional or not. And it's having to deal with all these negative response that really makes me doubt myself even more.
"Joy, are you okay?"
Rarely people would bother to ask me this because like I said because of my image, people somehow naturally assume that I'm just tired so they would just ask me to rest well. But once in a while, people like Zhunian would come around and warm my heart with this simple question. This question to me signifies a lot. To me, it means that people are always willing to embrace the other side of me and that they would still care. It also means that people actually know that I'm trying to be positive like I feel my efforts were acknowledged.
It may not seem like a lot to many people. But to me, these words contain the most sincerity and care to me. It shows that you are noticing me, you care enough to actually ask and that you are willing to see the other side of this bubbly being.
Thankful for people like that. They make me feel like it's okay to be me and that it's okay to drop the bubbly side when I'm not okay. ^^ truly grateful.
Tired mentally, exhausted physically but satisfied emotionally.
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