Moving

Finally. Made the decision to officially move to wordpress cause there is more freedom in typing anything I want with the option to filter out the people who can read. Which makes more sense to me. Cause I don't want to have to filter out stuff and miss out on the very important events when I created this blog thing to record down the little things in my life.

Sooo, goodbye for now~ ^^ I'll be back if wordpress fails me.

NUS Chinese Dance: Memories of the Past; Dreams of the Future

 
28th July. The day when I finally stood on stage to present the items I have prepared for almost 6 months for.  And back to doing the one genre of dance I used to have so much pride in. The one genre that I stayed in for a good 10 years. This journey was nothing easy. From trying to get back the specific tenderness and grace that Chinese Dance requires to gaining the stamina to finish the dance without feeling like I'm going to die in the end. Furthermore, there also some issues with really unapproachable people (which I feel may be because of my own personality lah cause I have one that people either really like or really hate. I have learnt.)

But through this entire journey, I also feel like gained alot. I humbled myself alot cause I realise the world I was in in XMCD was so small. Like omg the dancers in NUSCD is like the kind I would legit die to become (even though I know if I were willing to put in as much as them, I might prolly be somewhat like them also). The dancers there are really REALLY strong. Like techniques they already amaze me 100%. Then performance wise, OMG, I just died.

I was in a total of 4 items (including opening) so I would just talk about it one by one.

"Bittersweat Yearning 《长江恋歌》"

This item was the very first item we started to learn. And to be very honest, this item was where I realise how words can hurt sometimes. This dance is the kind where the main focus would be on the leads and while the other dancers are important in emoting and setting the tone, generally no one's eyes would fall on them. And because of that, I have heard how seniors just ignore our effort to try perfect our role (eg. aiya the leads also not here nothing to watch then. which is like erm.. ERM.) But okay put all the negative things aside. This item is the item I feel closest to. There is no one person in this item I have not had the chance to properly interact with. And the seniors in this item are REALLY approachable esp our 'leader'. She is really a very good leader and teacher. She is really patient and very approachable. She is someone I want to be. To dare to be professional in dance regardless of who is dancing (seniors/ juniors) but at the same time, when it is out of class context, she is willing to come back down to the same level as a friend. This item is the item of human connection for me. I'm glad we did well yesterday, all our efforts really paid off. The wave that we spent forever one was apparently really good. I kinda want to watch also. Like I hope there are videos of it.

"Embroidery 《绣》"

Omg this item. Probably the item that is the closest to what I did in XMCD. SO I really had a hard time when learning this item. The things that I never had problems with in XMCD, like bringing out the 感觉, suddenly I found myself struggling with in this item. And in this item was where I met unapproachable seniors. Like I have this strong feeling this one senior is not happy with me. I mean I don't lose anything lah if she wants to be unhappy then sure go ahead. Just that in the one week intensive because of how she was acting around me, I felt really dejected at times. Like I felt the need to not be me. HAHAH. Once again, put aside the negative things. This item is really pretty (esp looking at the photo now). The costume, choreo and music all damn on point. And I feel like towards the end of the journey, I slowly found the 感觉 back. And really started to really smile very genuinely for the dance which is what is required. This is the item of throwback for me. I'm glad I didn't screw up on my spins and everything. And also I didn't slip and fall cause that is actually really highly likely to happen. I hope we did 陶老师 proud for this item. HAHAHAH

"South of the Clouds 《彩云之南》"

This item is the item that I have a love-hate relationship with. In all my years with chinese dance (since primary school), I have never really gotten exposed to many genres of chinese dance. And because I only started to learn alot in XMCD where I am trained mainly in 古典舞, I really was very lost when it came to this genre: 傣族舞. The thing about the more ethnic group chinese dance is that you have to bring out the quality and... 感觉 of that specific ethnic group, if not it wouldn't look good. I really enjoyed dancing to this item cause of the very VERY upbeat music which naturally lifts your mood up. But at the same time, I was really stressed out because I knew I was not bringing the right 感觉 out. And my techniques for this genre was not that solid as well (肩不够开). So I started to hate this item for not being good enough. The people I met in this item though, especially the ones I talked to often, they really are my endorphins through this tough journey of learning and preparing for this item. This is the item of new experience for me. Through this item, it really opened my eyes to the world of chinese dance. Even though this new genre really scared me because I realised how not good enough I was for it, it also piqued my interest in trying out more genres of Chinese Dance.

Overall, this journey has been full of ups and downs. Full of great people and also people whom I really don't need in life HAHAH. This production really brought me closer to the CCA itself and now I may consider being more active in this CCA for the people whom I have grown to be closer to. Anyway~~

|| Photo Time ||

|| Dedication ||

"Dear Fambam"

They are my strongest support through my entire dance journey since I started. They have never failed to come watch me perform ever since I started dance and joining concerts (esp my dad). I'm really lucky to have a family who actually appreciates this art form. And even though they get genuinely with my dance commitments, they have never really done anything to stop me from dance entirely. Even after injuring my back, they never said anything much when I wanted to rejoin dance. I mean not that if they were against it, I would have given up. But it was nice to have their concern and support. They would wait for me to reach home regardless of how late my practices end. My mum would sometimes prepare a bowl of soup or supper cause she knows how hungry I get after dance (maybe that's why I can't slim down even after dancing so much HAHA). They would ask me if my back and knee was okay once in a while and when I said I feel a little pain, they would help me apply ointment. Really without them my dance journey wouldn't be as fulfilling as it is.

"Niyin and Zile"

They have been my strongest STRONGEST pillars for my summer. And because of them, I was able to stay sane even through the toughest challenges from rag and Chinese Dance. They both are not really a Chinese Dance person but they were so fast to ASK me how to buy tickets HAHA. Like abit touched only. Somemore they had to come after rag which is real shag. Really grateful to have them on this jounrey.

"Enci and Kyexiang"

Really thankful for this woman. She is always super ready to support me in my dance concerts. Even though Shujing couldn't make it and initially Kyexiang couldn't come so she had to come alone, she still wanted to come. LIKE wtheck, touched max only. Somemore she remember me telling her (not very subtly) I like receiving baby breath. She went to buy and wrap it herself. She is also one of the VERY few who wrote me a card which to me is the best gift you could give me. Anything handmade and handwritten, I'm a sucker for. (So I hope if my future boiboi is reading this, please get the hint. Shower me with cards.) But also thankful for Kyexiang for pei-ing Enci so I won't have to feel so guilty.

"Qianqian and Joe"

I was super paiseh to ask the raggers to come cause well, it is Chinese Dance and people generally don't appreciate it. So I didn't want to pressure them to come. But these two came up to ask me about the concert. Esp Joe, she was more excited than me about the concert HAHHAH. It is really nice to see juniors being genuinely interested by this genre of dance. Really thank you for coming (: cause internally, I was hoping my raggers could come HAHAH

"Shiting"

I think she and I has no fate with good quality pictures. Because it never happens. Thankful to stay this tight with this woman even after the numerous times we drifted apart. Thankful for this woman for staying even after all the shit that happened. Even though she didn't come primarily for me, she still made the effort to come over and give me a hug and say good job to me HAHA

"Ruoann"

If you are reading this (yes, i know you read my blog HAHA), don't be too surprised you got a special mention. Thank you for being my listening ear for this summer. Really thankful we have this opportunity to bond even though I knew you from JC orientation. Super thankful to have you in my summer. Even though things have been really tough on you, I want you to know you are doing great at least to me. How people want to think of you and how people want to respond to you is their problem. You are the best PD you can be and I admire you for that. Please stop blaming yourself for things you have literally have no control over. Anyway, hope you enjoyed the show and thanks for coming to all the choreos' concert. (:

"Siqi, Peiyi, Magdalene and Peiyao"

This photo is for my dear fellow logs ic for the external item, Siqi. It was really tiring to have to carry all the 20 babies from CFA to the studio. But I'm really thankful to have you with me through this all. I hope you would become more open about how you are feeling at times. Yea, opening up might not solve the problem but it helps to let it out once in a while. (: Really genuinely hope you are feeling better.

Peiyi is a random gold I found during opening item. Thanks for being a random shit with me and really making opening more fun than it is (:

Magdalene, she is one of the few seniors that I never really got to know personally. But she knows alot about me cause of Oli. Stress. HAHAHA But really thankful when she ask me if I'm okay all the time cause she heard about my dizzy spells from Olivia.

Peiyao, HAHAH the dude I cannot seem to remember his name and face. HAHA he probably got very frustrated with me always not remembering him hence his note (he literally wrote "remember me" wtheck.) But yea, I definitely will remember him now. As the immature ass purposely blocking my way in the corridor.

 "Tianran"

She was the one who pulled me into Chinese dance. If not for her, this experience wouldn't have been mine. Really thankful for her. HAHAH I was genuinely sad when she could join the concert intially BUT eventually she managed to join the concert. DAMN HAPPY. Though I couldn't spend much time with her cause she was always with her EXCO people (the only reason why I regret not joining EXCO: the fomo, all my friends are there HAHA), Really comforting to know I have her to talk to about Chinese Dance when I get really tired.

"Olivia"

Another strong support of mine. From since the start of my journey in NUS. Thank you for listening to my rants all the time. Thank you for being genuinely interested in what I am saying. Really happy next sem we would still get to take a mod together (:

"Eyjing and Yunyu"

The two precious whom I have gotten way WAY closer to even though I knew them from XMCD and NYDS respectively. Really thankful to have you guys take care of me all the time even though I am much bigger in size. Thank you for rolling my 棚 for me cause I fail in that. I blame the fat fingers. I hope we get to dance together again!

《Memories of the Past; Dreams of the Future 传承》

"Thankful that it happened in my life. 

Thankful for all the people who I met through this.

Thankful."

Genuine

How many times have I rejected/refused to believe someone's compliment of me? I have no idea from since when I have issues actually believing I am worthy of all those good words. I always thought it is cause I was being humble.

I remember last year at Campvision, one of my fellow OGLs said this about me. Which stuck with me until now not only cause she managed to vocalise it so... elegantly(?) but also cause how true it was. It was during affirmation circle where everyone takes turns to thank and like share true thoughts about the person holding the candle.

"There are so much I want to thank Joy for and so many compliments I want to give because she has such a beautiful soul (errmaigawd cringe is real). But it pains me to know that because of how jaded the world has made her, I have to stop myself from saying those compliments. Because I know how much it pains her to be conflicted when receiving these words. It saddens me how she doesn't see herself the way I see her. Even now, I know she is just trying to hold her tears back because she cannot believe all these I am saying. So for you Joy, I wish in the future, one day you would find the confidence in yourself to finally believe these compliments and accept them. You have such a good personality but you lack of that confidence to allow yourself to accept the fuels you desperately need."

I can remember this almost word by word because I remember how sorry I felt that she knew all those. How sorry I felt for not being able to wholeheartedly thank her for her beautiful words and her care. This was my biggest gain through this camp (it is true that while you give, you gain even more back). I then understood what being humble truly was. It is accepting compliments graciously and yet still aim to be better.

Ever since I entered NUS, I don't know if it is cause everyone wants to maintain good people relation (see, here comes the doubt wtheck), everyone has been really generous when it comes to compliments. Like alot of people would say I am very nice or friendly (seriously?!) HAHA. And I always just say "no lah, you just never see the bad things I do and the bad thoughts I have". Which is true lah.

In dance, it is worse. When people say I dance well, first reaction is "omg no, are you blind? wtheck". I never once accepted people who say that I am good in contemp/chinese dance cause I know I am not.

"Well, don't compare you to me cause I have been dancing for 15 years. But if you consider the amount of time I did dance, you would realise that I'm actually not that good."

Then I have people telling me that I can do other genres well also and I really can excel if I just try. But no. HAHA long story for why and too personal to share here. If you want to know, ask me personally HAHA.

"You are really a genuine person."

"You are really nice"

"Thank you for..."

"I really respect you for ..."

Like awwwww, these I hear from rag. And I actually really appreciated it. And I can kind of believe these. But it was what ruoann told me which I really really appreciated. Imma go quote her wait.

"I think u can talk v well. Like, drive home your point. ..... I think when you talk ppl can gain strength from u. And u also v genuine. ... But I also think it's cos of your emotions 感染力 v strong. But u just need to take care of yourself lor cos it's emotionally draining."

HAHAH ruoann is honestly one who I can believe is very genuine. I mean all the others who compliment or whatever, I'm not saying you are not genuine. But I feel like sometimes people are just being nice and trying to make me happy. But her next point tho. HAHAHA so true.

"Haha 70% enough alr haha got enough battery to find a power point to recharge then ppl still can contact u. 100% gg ah you walk around then ppl cannot even reach u."

Still not sure, if things are better (mentally and emotionally), but I know recently I really have been surrounded by much positive things. And for that I am grateful.

Proud.

Soo.. Today I went for B!oob with Enci whom I'm grateful to have. One, it has been forever since I met her. Two, cause someone backed out on me literally 4 days ago, so without her, I would have to attend the concert alone which would have been really sad):

First thing this woman said to me (literally before even saying hello) was "omg why you wear until so red today!" HAHHAH to be very honest, I didn't realise how red I was until she pointed it out (and then I got really quite self-conscious about it).

"Really quite red today HAHA"

"Greendot"

Met at Buona so that we could eat at Greendot (which is really good like even though it is vegetarian, it is actually really good. GO TRY IT!) And as expected, the food was really REALLY good. Was looking through my insta story then AND I realised that the raggers were also at Buona eating somewhere else (was praying so hard we wouldn't meet HAHA cause not ready to socialise with them outside of the rag context yet).

Anyway, after lunch, we had to go hunting for flowers. Quite amused by how the florist at Buona said that they were out of flowers HAHAH wtheck. But izz okay, we then travelled to Kent Ridge to get my flowers for my darlings. And bless my heart, flowers are so expensive. Too bad I was too lazy to get up early and go get my own flowers and wrap it myself. Would have been cheaper and more flowers per bouquet (?)

 "Rarely do I get a chance to complain about having too many friends. But $46 though."

 

"But okay lah, I'm paying for their pretty wrapping service. The flowers were so pretty!"

Anyway, so we finally got my flowers, we headed to UCC. Was expecting a crowd waiting for doors open but turns out we were early and there were not many people. HAHAH #kiasu But okay, getting early means getting good seats and being able to rest before the concert starts.

"First time at UCC as an audience. Didn't know about this tag system for flowers. Amused."

The show was super SUPER good. Maybe cause I was really actually focusing just on my friends. I was really nice to see them grow so much as a dancer. Especially when I know most of them when they were still contemp dancers and I watched their journey and growth in the street side of dance.

To be honest, I was really not comfortable sitting there watching them cause I felt so out of place. HAHA Like I usually go UCC to dance, to perform, not to watch a performance. I mean one year ago, I was actually willing to give my all and try venture into this spectrum of dance. But I was rejected from Blast. I mean there are many reasons why I was rejected but I'm abit crazy and I tend to blame it on myself and take things very personally. That really made me very.. scared(?) of trying and venturing out of my comfort zone. I used to be quite open in just trying any genres of dance cause it is really fun to learn the little techniques each genre requires. But I lost that courage. I feel like that rejection was so in the face I kind of backed off. I mean of course it also came in the wrong time (when I was actually questioning myself as a dancer even LEL.)

 Okay enough of me yakking on all these nonsense. PHOTOSS

  

"Enci"

Like I said at the start of this post, really thankful that you came with me to this concert. I was really sad how I barely had any friends to ask to go for this together because most of my friends are in the performance itself. ): Thanks for the day. It was tiring yet worth it. Fun fact, she is the first friend out of rag I have met throughout my entire summer.

"Adabel"

So proud of this girl for choreo-ing the contemp item. HAHA Like got a bit de pro only. HAHAHA amazing how we reunited after last seeing each other in Primary school (which was.... 8 years ago?). Really am very proud of you. Though because of your request, I basically spent 70% of my time in the concert filming the performances down.

"Niyin"

Heheh super glad that I have gotten to know this girl better through rag. She is like my role model. She is so versatile as a dancer (ballet, latin and street now WTHECK), also she juggles a million lessons while studying and still get really good results whut even. How is this fair. But was really proud to see her rock the stage. Like so different from the Niyin I know in rag HAHAH. Fun fact, I totally forgot that she was part of rag'16.

"Jianing"

Am actually really proud of this woman. For surviving all her commitments like bruh. S24, Boob and rag. NO GO. But she is the one who has grown so much in dance. And once in a while, she revives my hunger to want to improve in dance. I mean now when you look at her, you wouldn't believe she really only started learning hiphop after JC. Really proud of this woman.

"Zile"

This girl. Really proud of her. Like she actually impressed me on stage. I was quite shock to see how different vibe on stage is now. She used to be a very obvious classical ballet kind of dancer. And then omg she was dancing on stage looking like she has been doing this from since forever. This woman is usually the reason why I feel so shitty about myself. Like I can see her growth and yet when I look at myself, I don't see it in me. She is in literally the CCAs I want to be in (and really one of the biggest blow was when she was accepted into intermediate for synergy). I mean I know she is good and that's why I pitch my progress and skills against her. Nevertheless, I'm still proud of how much she has grew.

"My Darling Rag Choreos."

 

 "Rag'17"

 

Really sorry for being awks around you guys. I don't know why I can't get used to socialising with you outside of rag HAHA. I mean it is just me being me, as usual. But still sorry. I couldn't even look at them in the eye. Watched them walk into the theater but was trying so hard to avoid eye contact.

Anywayyyyy, after the concert and passing my flowers (and notes :P), I left with Enci to finally get my 1-for-1 Starbucks. Paid using my SB card and ERMAIGAWD. I then realised how much I have spent just on starbucks this summer. WTHECK.

"Close to $50. I'm crazy."

OKK, time for me to rest and recharge. Maybe cause too long never go out. Now a few hours, I'm going to die already HEH.