Conflicted.

Haish, mid terms are coming up and I'm barely ready for them. OH GAWDDD. Is this going to be my life for my entire uni journey? ): But okay lah, honestly I'm not super dying yet. I just need to get my shit together and really start mugging. I thought I would do really badly for my PL2131 and my FAS1101 cause stats was horrible like I don't know if I'm correct anot (and I was probably just lucky, most of the questions that I guess I prolly guessed correctly) and well, for fas1101, I suck in English and that is basically it.

Overview essay is due on Friday and I legit only started on Monday, super super screwed up PUAHAHAHA. But anyway, I was consulting my prof about my thesis statement and then wah I was super touched. My prof said that from observing me during tutorial, I'm someone who has really deep thoughts and she really doesn't worry about me not being able to cover my breadth and depth. She said I'm the opposite of everyone else, she ask other people to write more specific but for me, she want me to just focus on one of my idea. And then when she read my thesis statement (the one that I squeezed all my brain juice to do on mon), she was like it was good and that I just need to make minor changes and that she is very glad that this version is a huge improvement from my previous one. HAHA, she even said ask me to record myself when I'm talking to myself about what I wanted to write cause apparently, I express myself better when I speak than when I sit down and think about what I wanted to write and like actually try to phrase it into words. Super happy that I'm not doing too badly for my schoolwork. I was so scared that my Alevel slump haven't ended yet. I mean actually not exactly ended already but now it's easier to overcome.

Received email from synergy about dance camp and I'm actually hesitating whether I should just pull out from the CCA cause I don't think I'm actually getting out of my slump anytime soon. And oh ya, back to the point of the title. I know that the way things unfolded is nobody's fault, especially not theirs. But somehow I don't know how to go around facing them anymore. Like I actually dread seeing people I know now, I keep looking at the ground because at least I don't see them and I can just walk past. It's not that I don't treasure those friendships made but I just don't know how to deal with my own emotions when I'm around them.

Say hi to this woman, Tianran. Legit super thankful for her. I suddenly become super awkward with my RHMP people and the only person that I'm still okay with is her. I mean it's super understandable, she is in most of the same cca as me and even in rhmp she in the same items as me so how not to be close. She is probably the only person I can talk to about stuff that I would have been too paiseh to tell anybody else (about rhmp only ah). She is someone I want to keep in my life even after rhmp ends. Like I would actually be damn sad if we just not talk anymore.

Okok, I need to go do work already before I regret it the next morning. Oh btw, I have been super guai with my schedule. Like I make the effort to actually to wake up at 7.30am every morning to eat breakfast and sleep earlier. I feel super proud and yes, it also means more time spent with tianran HAHA. Cause she literally is the only person I can jio to go eat breakfast and dinner without feeling burden or rush to eat anytime cause we facing same cca burden HAHA. Okok bye. HAHA.

Confidence.

It's been so long since I blogged cause I physically couldn't. These past few weeks have been just wake up, do work, CCA then sleep. But yea, many things happened in this one week. Alot of realisation and alot of breaking down.

It's been so long since I have seen my friends from rag. I mean I keep saying I'm very busy and everything but deep down I know they are just excuses. I don't know why but I don't know how to carry myself around them anymore. I'm trying my best to cut down my connections with them but it's almost impossible. So when they say they want to come support me, I like damn paiseh cause it is not big at all, like I'm just this little ensemble when everyone else is making good their journey.

Anyway, have been at rhmp for past few days. Never felt so tired before. Every night, I can feel my brain protesting in my skull telling me to go and sleep and heck it all. But it was fun nonetheless like I got to talk to alot of the people I never got to talk to before. But then again, there were also times when I just wanted to completely shut down, cause I was really tired. Times when I felt like shit, when I can't catch the right notes, when I can't catch the right move, when I can't catch the right cue. Those times I just wanted to run away and cry.

Tristan came over to ask a group of us me included why we always get the timing wrong and shit. And then I told him I was really not confident with what I was doing on that stage. Singing cause well, I never sang in front of a huge crowd before. Acting cause well, again never acted in my life. Dancing cause haish long story. But yea basically, I'm not as confident as people think I am cause honestly I'm probably the epitome of not being confident. I doubt everything I do, I put myself down everytime I screw up on something even if it's something small.

It's really getting to me. This lack of confidence. I don't see myself worthy of anything. Was watching my past XMCD dances and I really regret not being confident enough to go for the audition. Who knows maybe I would have gotten in. But then again, if I didn't, it would be even harder to deal with everything now. Officially fallen into the slump, where I just don't dare to dance anymore, where I just want to ignore everything and pretend like dance was never part of me.

Haven't got to talk about this to anybody, maybe except magena in full details. I know I have got to stop before I ruin myself but the inner demons are so loud now. Super thankful that Magena even bother replying me. But I can feel even at times she also don't know what to do with me.

These days when I open my door at hall, I find myself hoping to see a letter to tell me to hang on, to tell me that I'm great. Like I feel like a whiny ass but such surprises are much appreciated. On the last day of rhmp camp, I finally broke down. From being tired of having to put up the happy front cause I'm Joy, to feeling super guilty that an item cannot be perfected cause I couldn't help my friends enough, to feeling like a burden because I simply don't know what note to sing, to feeling dumb cause I keep on screwing up on the same dance, to feeling super not confident with the "big" role that I have in one part of rhmp.

Never liked to shine under spotlight cause it was too much burden and stress and responsibility for this useless creature to handle. It was worse when people were telling me that I just needed to be more confident of myself and that I'm actually doing great. I just couldn't stop crying had to run away from them cause I felt super paiseh. And please for goodness sake, never let any of them chance upon this post.

Sidetrack abit. Been thinking about something alot, to the extent that it's alittle overthinking already. Maybe cause I'm not good enough, maybe cause I'm not appealing enough (what a weird phrasing). I don't know I feel like I blend in with the background so much that people usually don't notice that I'm there. Stupid you, make me think so much. Stupid me, for allowing myself to think so much. It's too early anyway.

Finding Balance

It has been six weeks since uni started. I already had my first mid-terms (puke blood). Went for most of my CCAs already and met new friends there, well except for synergy, which I'm honestly thinking about pulling out because well I won't be there in Sem1 and Sem2's production is based on Sem1's attendance so...

Went for campvision session 1 on Mon which was a public holiday but nope, hall life is no life so yea back in school in the morning on a public holiday. During the session, there were so many times I really wanted to just nua and give up and be a pile of negative shit cause I was really tired. But I'm glad that I joined this because weirdly enough, the activities really do evoke emotions in me. Especially perseverance push, I didn't dare to say my real goal which is to actually just get out of my dance slump and stop thinking so lowly of myself. But watching someone else do the perseverance push and breaking down, it scared me cause it's allowing my inner demon to have a voice.

Will I ever be okay enough to dare to try new things? Or will I eventually just choose to give up dancing as a whole? I know it's damn immature of me to just give up dance because of a few failures but it's really tough, to be told you aren't good at something you thought you were only good at.

Anyway, really proud of myself for these past 2 weeks. Refusing to give in to peer pressure and just keep to myself and have my own time. I feel like I got used to being alone again so now I'm more efficient when using my time cause I'm not spending half of my time thinking about how to entertain my friends. And also, this period let me see clearly who are those who truly care, who are those who don't. I'm not someone you look for when you have no one. I will be here if you need me but don't ever take me for granted. I had enough people who did that to me and tore me down.

Hall life has been fine. So has all my CCAs, I don't regret joining any of them except for their lapsup timing. Like man, CCA from 7pm to 12am. I died. But yea I truly enjoyed my time there. (:

"Something will happen eventually. I'm scared but I'm enjoying right now too much."

My Ensemble People. HAHA source of joy every mon, wed and fri.

Street Jazz at RHdance. Thank god for RHdance, if not I prolly would stop dancing totally

I miss being confident in what I love to do.

To give it up or not?

Something that I have always done in my life, it has been part of my life since I was little. It played such an powerful role when I was searching for my identity in this world, it played such a significant role when I was shaped into the person I am now, it played such an important role when I was going through tough times. It was the good and bad in my life. It let me taste the sweetest feeling of accomplishment and success, it let me feel the simple and innocence of pure bliss and genuine relationship. At the same time, it also fed my inner demons and my crave for perfection physically, it broke me down several times and made me feel like shit many times too.

To give dance up, it has never been my consideration even when things were tough. But recently, something changed, I find myself thinking if I should just give dance up as a whole. No doubt, it is such a big part in my life. But I started thinking if I'm good enough for dance, if dance was not going to be my obstacle to achieving my goals in life, if dance was going to break me more than it was going to help me. I still love dance, maybe even more than when I was young, but I have been failing dance so much recently.

I find myself naturally leaning towards any showcase or performances I can join just cause I can do what I enjoy doing. But maybe it is my super high expectation of myself, or it is my really lacking body, I find myself shaking my head at myself when I watch myself dance. With all the auditions and dancing going on now, I have been told time to time again that I'm not good enough. I know people are probably just going to roll their eyes at me and tell me I don't need these shit to prove that I'm good in dance. But when you dance, the only affirmation that you can ever get are these. I look at the people around doing well in dance and yes, somehow I'm always surrounded by people who can dance damn well and are doing very well with their dance pursuit.

It is really tough when I go back to my room, all by myself. My inner demons would flood in and tell me everything I did not do well that day and 90% of the things are dance-related. I didn't do this well today, I didn't last through the PT today etc. So many things I can criticise myself on and so many people I can compare myself to. While many compare themselves to make themselves feel better, there is me who compare myself to tell myself I'm not good enough. People have been telling me I'm a good dancer, very versatile and shit. But no, nothing shows.

Anyway, I have just been really stressed about all my commitments. It is so bad that I still want to go dance so much but because I'm too scared to fail to go try and fight for my opportunities that I missed out on so much. It is really sad to say but I'm genuinely thinking about whether I should just give all of these up. Whether I should give my soul a break and give it one less thing to suffer my brutal treatment. Can't believe I'm tearing up typing about this and talking about this.

"Can I really give all these up? Should I give all these up? Do I still have the right and ability to keep all these?"

Sunk In

The time that I dread coming finally came. Suddenly, I feel all these disappointment bubbling up in me. And the worse part is I have to pretend I'm okay when I'm obviously not. I don't know how I should feel. This is the time when I really want to just hole up and stay by myself. But I have too many responsibilities and obligations that I have to meet. Really tired of smiling and being okay. Really tired of putting exclamation marks and smiley faces in my messages when I don't feel like it but I'm putting it there cause people don't deserve my hostility.

Is it weird that I just want someone to ask me about me, about how I am feeling and be able to see past my facade?

Three Weeks.

It's been 3 weeks since uni started and things are getting worse. It's not just me, everyone around me has commented how I look really tired recently and I can feel it too. For these past week, there were so many times I wanted to just stop what I was doing and just go sleep cause I can't carry on. There were so many times when my mum called and I just wanted to cry (I almost did once). There were so many times I wanted to just shy away from everyone cause I'm too tired to deal with people.

Feeling super disappointed with my performance recently. I let my schedule make a mess out of me, I let dance mess up my priority list in my head, and I let my discipline just fly like that. I missed my first lecture, I slept in my lecture, I overslept a couple of times and I missed my dance audition. What on earth am I doing with my life? I held so much pride in being organised and everything and suddenly, everything is gone.

On Thursday, I finally got the time to talk to Shujing (Thank god for her, she came with me even though she was feeling uncomfortable cause of her period). I didn't realise how much I needed to talk to someone until I spoke to her. I didn't realise how much I was holding in until I poured it out to her. Not that my other friends aren't good enough. Like Jianing, she really tries really hard to be there and making sure I'm not left alone. Zile, she was really stressed up and I barely even got to see her. Enci, she has been so caught up with everything so I don't think it is a good idea to add on. Shujing, I'm sure she has her own problems but she is willing to make the effort, make some time for me, hold my hand and listen to me talk. Like really, thank god for her.

Going back on missing dance audition. The fact that I overslept and missed it haven't really sunk in. But I'm really praying that when it finally sinks in, I wouldn't just break down cause it's dance ensemble, one cca that I was quite intrigued by. And the fact that I let myself become so tired till I overslept and miss something so important scares me. What if I oversleep again and miss something even more important like exams. But honestly, because of this thing, I realised I grew alot. When I realised that it happened, instead of blaming the world for it, instead of sulking, I just put myself back together and went on with my life (cause there was KCIG audition right after that). I'm glad I was able to do that, to stop letting one thing affect my entire performance for the day.

Have not been emotionally stable, with the emotions flying up and down. Need to get my balance back. But on a happier note, I have been satisfying most of my cravings these days. Life izz good. Except I'm probably going to become fat soon.

"I don't know how much more tougher it will become but I know every challenge is a lesson waiting to be learnt."

 

Sudden regret

Suddenly, I'm thinking if it's the right decision to like stay in hall. Like am I legit ready to like do this kind of socialising. I mean it's week 3 and I'm really quite phantom for block events. Then I like don't feel the need to come out from my room to like socialise and do things and like make friends. I don't even want to meet my old friends. Once I reach my room, I just want to go to sleep and stay alone and I'm freaking sian.

I keep telling myself to not keep pushing myself all the way and not keep trying to act positive to everyone else. But I keep subconsciously doing it. I keep trying to put on a super happy face for everyone else. I feel like I will one day just go over the edge and tip over and break.

Maybe it's just cause of the endless work and I damn sian. Everyday, I just keep going to CLB to study or rather try study then I'm actually quite tired. Too much to take in. Too big a change to adjust to.

Heard some things and I realised there are so many things happened without me knowing. But I can't show that I actually know what is going on. Maybe that's why they say ignorance is bliss. To not know anything, at least you can just live your life without having to keep conscious of what you say and do.

Going too close to some people and I can feel myself pulling away from those that are really close because I just want to stay in my own circle and ignore everyone around me. Haish. I don't know lah. I just want to take a week off and stay away from everybody.

Fun fact: I typed all these while having "supper" with 2 dongdong who HAVE to choose to htht about things I'm not about to listen and know. Then I'm super tired of sitting down and not talking cause like wasting my time. ._.