To give it up or not?

Something that I have always done in my life, it has been part of my life since I was little. It played such an powerful role when I was searching for my identity in this world, it played such a significant role when I was shaped into the person I am now, it played such an important role when I was going through tough times. It was the good and bad in my life. It let me taste the sweetest feeling of accomplishment and success, it let me feel the simple and innocence of pure bliss and genuine relationship. At the same time, it also fed my inner demons and my crave for perfection physically, it broke me down several times and made me feel like shit many times too.

To give dance up, it has never been my consideration even when things were tough. But recently, something changed, I find myself thinking if I should just give dance up as a whole. No doubt, it is such a big part in my life. But I started thinking if I'm good enough for dance, if dance was not going to be my obstacle to achieving my goals in life, if dance was going to break me more than it was going to help me. I still love dance, maybe even more than when I was young, but I have been failing dance so much recently.

I find myself naturally leaning towards any showcase or performances I can join just cause I can do what I enjoy doing. But maybe it is my super high expectation of myself, or it is my really lacking body, I find myself shaking my head at myself when I watch myself dance. With all the auditions and dancing going on now, I have been told time to time again that I'm not good enough. I know people are probably just going to roll their eyes at me and tell me I don't need these shit to prove that I'm good in dance. But when you dance, the only affirmation that you can ever get are these. I look at the people around doing well in dance and yes, somehow I'm always surrounded by people who can dance damn well and are doing very well with their dance pursuit.

It is really tough when I go back to my room, all by myself. My inner demons would flood in and tell me everything I did not do well that day and 90% of the things are dance-related. I didn't do this well today, I didn't last through the PT today etc. So many things I can criticise myself on and so many people I can compare myself to. While many compare themselves to make themselves feel better, there is me who compare myself to tell myself I'm not good enough. People have been telling me I'm a good dancer, very versatile and shit. But no, nothing shows.

Anyway, I have just been really stressed about all my commitments. It is so bad that I still want to go dance so much but because I'm too scared to fail to go try and fight for my opportunities that I missed out on so much. It is really sad to say but I'm genuinely thinking about whether I should just give all of these up. Whether I should give my soul a break and give it one less thing to suffer my brutal treatment. Can't believe I'm tearing up typing about this and talking about this.

"Can I really give all these up? Should I give all these up? Do I still have the right and ability to keep all these?"