Confidence.

It's been so long since I blogged cause I physically couldn't. These past few weeks have been just wake up, do work, CCA then sleep. But yea, many things happened in this one week. Alot of realisation and alot of breaking down.

It's been so long since I have seen my friends from rag. I mean I keep saying I'm very busy and everything but deep down I know they are just excuses. I don't know why but I don't know how to carry myself around them anymore. I'm trying my best to cut down my connections with them but it's almost impossible. So when they say they want to come support me, I like damn paiseh cause it is not big at all, like I'm just this little ensemble when everyone else is making good their journey.

Anyway, have been at rhmp for past few days. Never felt so tired before. Every night, I can feel my brain protesting in my skull telling me to go and sleep and heck it all. But it was fun nonetheless like I got to talk to alot of the people I never got to talk to before. But then again, there were also times when I just wanted to completely shut down, cause I was really tired. Times when I felt like shit, when I can't catch the right notes, when I can't catch the right move, when I can't catch the right cue. Those times I just wanted to run away and cry.

Tristan came over to ask a group of us me included why we always get the timing wrong and shit. And then I told him I was really not confident with what I was doing on that stage. Singing cause well, I never sang in front of a huge crowd before. Acting cause well, again never acted in my life. Dancing cause haish long story. But yea basically, I'm not as confident as people think I am cause honestly I'm probably the epitome of not being confident. I doubt everything I do, I put myself down everytime I screw up on something even if it's something small.

It's really getting to me. This lack of confidence. I don't see myself worthy of anything. Was watching my past XMCD dances and I really regret not being confident enough to go for the audition. Who knows maybe I would have gotten in. But then again, if I didn't, it would be even harder to deal with everything now. Officially fallen into the slump, where I just don't dare to dance anymore, where I just want to ignore everything and pretend like dance was never part of me.

Haven't got to talk about this to anybody, maybe except magena in full details. I know I have got to stop before I ruin myself but the inner demons are so loud now. Super thankful that Magena even bother replying me. But I can feel even at times she also don't know what to do with me.

These days when I open my door at hall, I find myself hoping to see a letter to tell me to hang on, to tell me that I'm great. Like I feel like a whiny ass but such surprises are much appreciated. On the last day of rhmp camp, I finally broke down. From being tired of having to put up the happy front cause I'm Joy, to feeling super guilty that an item cannot be perfected cause I couldn't help my friends enough, to feeling like a burden because I simply don't know what note to sing, to feeling dumb cause I keep on screwing up on the same dance, to feeling super not confident with the "big" role that I have in one part of rhmp.

Never liked to shine under spotlight cause it was too much burden and stress and responsibility for this useless creature to handle. It was worse when people were telling me that I just needed to be more confident of myself and that I'm actually doing great. I just couldn't stop crying had to run away from them cause I felt super paiseh. And please for goodness sake, never let any of them chance upon this post.

Sidetrack abit. Been thinking about something alot, to the extent that it's alittle overthinking already. Maybe cause I'm not good enough, maybe cause I'm not appealing enough (what a weird phrasing). I don't know I feel like I blend in with the background so much that people usually don't notice that I'm there. Stupid you, make me think so much. Stupid me, for allowing myself to think so much. It's too early anyway.