Crumbles

Given too much of me to everyone else around me. Been pushing my social battery everyday and trying to keep up with everybody's pace. But at the same time, I forgot to give myself a break. At this time, it's probably the hardest part when it comes to moving to a new lifestyle: adapting. I'm probably one of the luckier ones who have a large group of friends even before I started my journey in NUS. I do not have to worry about going to lectures alone or having no one to have lunch with. But still the life in NUS is rather demanding. It really requires you to step out of your shell and open up to the world. Make new friends, share your opinions and interact with people all day. For someone who is an introvert, it's really a very big change from the JC kind of life where you can hide in the background, stay as low profile as you can but you will still be able to get through it all.

I know how tough it is to get around when you are very friendless and introverted so I keep trying to reach out to people, keep trying to stay positive for the people around me, keep trying to be there for all those who are facing troubles. Slowly, people forget that I'm not someone who has so much positive energy to give and even I forget that I need breathe. Every day in the afternoon, I'm with my raggers and of course, we will be talking and everything and once in a while, someone will come up to me to talk to me about their troubles. (I love them still.) Then, every night, I have to cater to my friends at my hall, especially cause some of them really have not adjusted well. So I stay up to talk to them and keep them company.

Then today, I went for Dance Ensemble open class. I felt so shit during the class cause there were so many things I couldn't do cause of my lack of muscles or my brain just can't process things. And then, there were so many troubles layering over it. There was so little time to digest everything. There was so little space and people around me just keep coming into my space then I end up injuring myself because I really don't want to kick them in the face. (Lel. The extent in which I bruised my knee and strained it is alittle not understandable.) Then I just shut down and all the negativity that I chucked away suddenly caught up with me and overwhelmed me. Ran away from my raggers cause I was so sure that I was going to cry in front of them. (I would have looked so stupid, crying over dance cause I couldn't catch the steps.)

Got home and met mum. But she was so tired and I didn't want to worry her. So, here is me typing out on this little spot cause I'm so tired of explaining to others how I feel. Really tired of reaching out but I'm too scared of being the burden so I keep pushing people away when they reach out to me. Really tired of trying to help people be more positive about this change but I can't shun away from the friends who need my help. Really tired of pretending I'm okay with all these changes in my life but I need to be strong for the friends who are relying on me as their pillar of strength. Really tired of feeling so sucky about myself but I can't see the good in me.