I remember last year at Campvision, one of my fellow OGLs said this about me. Which stuck with me until now not only cause she managed to vocalise it so... elegantly(?) but also cause how true it was. It was during affirmation circle where everyone takes turns to thank and like share true thoughts about the person holding the candle.
"There are so much I want to thank Joy for and so many compliments I want to give because she has such a beautiful soul (errmaigawd cringe is real). But it pains me to know that because of how jaded the world has made her, I have to stop myself from saying those compliments. Because I know how much it pains her to be conflicted when receiving these words. It saddens me how she doesn't see herself the way I see her. Even now, I know she is just trying to hold her tears back because she cannot believe all these I am saying. So for you Joy, I wish in the future, one day you would find the confidence in yourself to finally believe these compliments and accept them. You have such a good personality but you lack of that confidence to allow yourself to accept the fuels you desperately need."
I can remember this almost word by word because I remember how sorry I felt that she knew all those. How sorry I felt for not being able to wholeheartedly thank her for her beautiful words and her care. This was my biggest gain through this camp (it is true that while you give, you gain even more back). I then understood what being humble truly was. It is accepting compliments graciously and yet still aim to be better.
Ever since I entered NUS, I don't know if it is cause everyone wants to maintain good people relation (see, here comes the doubt wtheck), everyone has been really generous when it comes to compliments. Like alot of people would say I am very nice or friendly (seriously?!) HAHA. And I always just say "no lah, you just never see the bad things I do and the bad thoughts I have". Which is true lah.
In dance, it is worse. When people say I dance well, first reaction is "omg no, are you blind? wtheck". I never once accepted people who say that I am good in contemp/chinese dance cause I know I am not.
"Well, don't compare you to me cause I have been dancing for 15 years. But if you consider the amount of time I did dance, you would realise that I'm actually not that good."
Then I have people telling me that I can do other genres well also and I really can excel if I just try. But no. HAHA long story for why and too personal to share here. If you want to know, ask me personally HAHA.
"You are really a genuine person."
"You are really nice"
"Thank you for..."
"I really respect you for ..."
Like awwwww, these I hear from rag. And I actually really appreciated it. And I can kind of believe these. But it was what ruoann told me which I really really appreciated. Imma go quote her wait.
"I think u can talk v well. Like, drive home your point. ..... I think when you talk ppl can gain strength from u. And u also v genuine. ... But I also think it's cos of your emotions 感染力 v strong. But u just need to take care of yourself lor cos it's emotionally draining."
HAHAH ruoann is honestly one who I can believe is very genuine. I mean all the others who compliment or whatever, I'm not saying you are not genuine. But I feel like sometimes people are just being nice and trying to make me happy. But her next point tho. HAHAHA so true.
"Haha 70% enough alr haha got enough battery to find a power point to recharge then ppl still can contact u. 100% gg ah you walk around then ppl cannot even reach u."
Still not sure, if things are better (mentally and emotionally), but I know recently I really have been surrounded by much positive things. And for that I am grateful.
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