I actually agree with the things they say. And it does not even just apply to the romance of like, it is a very general like, as in like you as a person as a friend. When I like you as a friend, there is no way that I can hide it. I will try to keep you in my life in every way possible.
For the past year, I have successfully push everyone out of my inner circle because I have enough of people in my inner circle hurting me over and over again. Yea, I'm quite a coward when it comes to opening up. But then again, what am I supposed to do when I have been literally through the same shit of the people who matter leaving me. There is literally nothing I can do but to guard myself against the next friends.
Especially after the last time. After all that drama, I was left with a lot of insecurities, trust issues and really just negativity in general. Even without my guard against people, all those little negativity lurking in every aspect of life has prevented me from believing that I'm worthy enough of people's friendship. Sounds sad but true. Maybe that's why I find it really hard to say no cause I feel like I need to do something to earn the friendship LOL. Unhealthy mindset but I really can't help it.
But somehow things started to change this year. Maybe it's the sentimental side of me that really appreciates having these close human interaction. I started to open up to a lot more people, especially the people from dance. And when I mean people, I mean like everybody including guys. LOL. Looking back at just one year ago, at this timing, I was probably still struggling to hold a proper conversation with a guy. And now, I have become comfortable enough to go out and eat with guys, talk shit with them and just genuinely enjoying being in their company.
For now, I am still enjoying how I have friends to disturb and not feel bad about it HAHAHAH. Sometimes, just SOMETIMES. It really scares me when I think about it. How only 1 year has passed and so many things have changed. (LOL, I felt super overwhelmed writing this sentence, like legit got feels to cry only.) I used to be this awkward turtle who is selfish and really just full negativity. But now, people know me as this clumsy weirdo that brings laughter to wherever she goes and someone whom people can look for and depend on when they are in trouble. It is kind of interesting how life has changed so much for me.
I'm not like how I was.. say 3 years ago? But I have grown so much, become a much better person (omg, when I think back on the shit that I have done, I can't even help but to shake my head at myself), learnt to be more thankful for everyday and just grew much more mature in my mindset. This change is really scary cause it's so fast and furious but I shall welcome it cause I think it's actually quite good. But then again, who knows when things will change again. Cause shit happens only when I start to open up.
HAHA I shall end off here and actually start writing my FAS1102 blog instead. HAHAHA
Ending off with this song. Many people don't really understand why I like this but the lyrics really very relatable.
孟佳 {Who's That Girl}
" 为了继续前进我说了多少 对比起
牺牲了什么才让别人了 说谢谢你
牺牲了什么才让别人了 说谢谢你
空洞 无神的 不停怀疑自己
为什么要给自己出那么多的难题 "
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