Proud.

Soo.. Today I went for B!oob with Enci whom I'm grateful to have. One, it has been forever since I met her. Two, cause someone backed out on me literally 4 days ago, so without her, I would have to attend the concert alone which would have been really sad):

First thing this woman said to me (literally before even saying hello) was "omg why you wear until so red today!" HAHHAH to be very honest, I didn't realise how red I was until she pointed it out (and then I got really quite self-conscious about it).

"Really quite red today HAHA"

"Greendot"

Met at Buona so that we could eat at Greendot (which is really good like even though it is vegetarian, it is actually really good. GO TRY IT!) And as expected, the food was really REALLY good. Was looking through my insta story then AND I realised that the raggers were also at Buona eating somewhere else (was praying so hard we wouldn't meet HAHA cause not ready to socialise with them outside of the rag context yet).

Anyway, after lunch, we had to go hunting for flowers. Quite amused by how the florist at Buona said that they were out of flowers HAHAH wtheck. But izz okay, we then travelled to Kent Ridge to get my flowers for my darlings. And bless my heart, flowers are so expensive. Too bad I was too lazy to get up early and go get my own flowers and wrap it myself. Would have been cheaper and more flowers per bouquet (?)

 "Rarely do I get a chance to complain about having too many friends. But $46 though."

 

"But okay lah, I'm paying for their pretty wrapping service. The flowers were so pretty!"

Anyway, so we finally got my flowers, we headed to UCC. Was expecting a crowd waiting for doors open but turns out we were early and there were not many people. HAHAH #kiasu But okay, getting early means getting good seats and being able to rest before the concert starts.

"First time at UCC as an audience. Didn't know about this tag system for flowers. Amused."

The show was super SUPER good. Maybe cause I was really actually focusing just on my friends. I was really nice to see them grow so much as a dancer. Especially when I know most of them when they were still contemp dancers and I watched their journey and growth in the street side of dance.

To be honest, I was really not comfortable sitting there watching them cause I felt so out of place. HAHA Like I usually go UCC to dance, to perform, not to watch a performance. I mean one year ago, I was actually willing to give my all and try venture into this spectrum of dance. But I was rejected from Blast. I mean there are many reasons why I was rejected but I'm abit crazy and I tend to blame it on myself and take things very personally. That really made me very.. scared(?) of trying and venturing out of my comfort zone. I used to be quite open in just trying any genres of dance cause it is really fun to learn the little techniques each genre requires. But I lost that courage. I feel like that rejection was so in the face I kind of backed off. I mean of course it also came in the wrong time (when I was actually questioning myself as a dancer even LEL.)

 Okay enough of me yakking on all these nonsense. PHOTOSS

  

"Enci"

Like I said at the start of this post, really thankful that you came with me to this concert. I was really sad how I barely had any friends to ask to go for this together because most of my friends are in the performance itself. ): Thanks for the day. It was tiring yet worth it. Fun fact, she is the first friend out of rag I have met throughout my entire summer.

"Adabel"

So proud of this girl for choreo-ing the contemp item. HAHA Like got a bit de pro only. HAHAHA amazing how we reunited after last seeing each other in Primary school (which was.... 8 years ago?). Really am very proud of you. Though because of your request, I basically spent 70% of my time in the concert filming the performances down.

"Niyin"

Heheh super glad that I have gotten to know this girl better through rag. She is like my role model. She is so versatile as a dancer (ballet, latin and street now WTHECK), also she juggles a million lessons while studying and still get really good results whut even. How is this fair. But was really proud to see her rock the stage. Like so different from the Niyin I know in rag HAHAH. Fun fact, I totally forgot that she was part of rag'16.

"Jianing"

Am actually really proud of this woman. For surviving all her commitments like bruh. S24, Boob and rag. NO GO. But she is the one who has grown so much in dance. And once in a while, she revives my hunger to want to improve in dance. I mean now when you look at her, you wouldn't believe she really only started learning hiphop after JC. Really proud of this woman.

"Zile"

This girl. Really proud of her. Like she actually impressed me on stage. I was quite shock to see how different vibe on stage is now. She used to be a very obvious classical ballet kind of dancer. And then omg she was dancing on stage looking like she has been doing this from since forever. This woman is usually the reason why I feel so shitty about myself. Like I can see her growth and yet when I look at myself, I don't see it in me. She is in literally the CCAs I want to be in (and really one of the biggest blow was when she was accepted into intermediate for synergy). I mean I know she is good and that's why I pitch my progress and skills against her. Nevertheless, I'm still proud of how much she has grew.

"My Darling Rag Choreos."

 

 "Rag'17"

 

Really sorry for being awks around you guys. I don't know why I can't get used to socialising with you outside of rag HAHA. I mean it is just me being me, as usual. But still sorry. I couldn't even look at them in the eye. Watched them walk into the theater but was trying so hard to avoid eye contact.

Anywayyyyy, after the concert and passing my flowers (and notes :P), I left with Enci to finally get my 1-for-1 Starbucks. Paid using my SB card and ERMAIGAWD. I then realised how much I have spent just on starbucks this summer. WTHECK.

"Close to $50. I'm crazy."

OKK, time for me to rest and recharge. Maybe cause too long never go out. Now a few hours, I'm going to die already HEH.

Heartened.

Been receiving lots of really positive inputs from the people around me (whether is it directly to me or I went to stalk people and found it HAHA shhhhh...). I think one thing I know I learnt the most from this journey is knowing the importance of setting your priorities straight.

Although I may not seem like it, I actually consider myself as a highly empathetic person. I want to be able to think of things from your perspective and I want to believe that you are just reacting due to some circumstances you faced. But probably the people in my team would not think so cause I'm always really firm and being stubborn on what is already agreed upon and what I feel is right to do. (Probably received hate or had impressions of me changed but heh.) I would actually still feel bad. Feel bad for the people who have to sacrifice so much, for the people who are having troubles due to clashing commitments.

At the same time, I feel like I work mainly on logic too. Like I based my opinions on pure logic (which I have come to learn that logic is one very subjective matter. What may come natural to me may not for you). With these two things in mind, often when I'm faced with any... hiccups(?), I would reason it out in my brain. Imagine having an official debate but in my mind, one side that is asking me to be more understanding and the other asking me to be logical and do what is right. I mean there are times when both sides can come to this common ground where I realised when I think of something from the other person's perspective, their actions become logical (in the sense that they are merely responding to their surroundings).

Yesterday, as immature as it sounds, I had my feelings hurt quite badly HAHA (sorry for the fragile heart of mine HAHAHA). Even though I could understand why everyone was being tired and everything (cause I was also dying HAHA), when I was really giving my all to try iron things out, to make things better and smoother for everyone's sake, all I really asked for was people to cooperate and to respond when I'm asking crucial questions. Is that too much to ask for? But yea, now looking back at it, I feel like I was acting really unprofessional about everything (especially when I decided to walk out of that place). Eish. Okay enough of all the negative vibes. Back to being positive.

Maybe it is cause I have chosen to surround myself with people who had positive vibes and everything. I have been receiving alot of really nice things from the people around me. Like a random note (omg I can't describe that warm fuzzy feeling I feel when I receive handwritten letters or even a text LIKE AWWWW THANKS), or just people asking me if I'm feeling okay/feeling stressed out. It is just really nice to be on the receiving end of all these. And it makes me feel more motivated to pass this positive vibe to somebody else HEHE. I may not seem like it to them. But I always make an effort to look out for the people around me. So when I'm on the receiving end of such care, I just feel really... blessed(?)

There is so much one can do to change someone. Any changes really do have to come from within, from the want to improve, to be better. I am trying my best to deliver my part as clearly as possible. My team have been trying our best to push and motivate (trying to balance between these 2 too).

There are bound to be a few souls out there who just have not realised how easily this change can happen if they just want it for themselves. But in the mean time, I'm thankful for those who have been putting as much if not more effort into this with me. Feeling fulfilled and just heartened to see people want to improve in dance. And maybe by the end of this journey, I can too start to persuade myself to start wanting to pursue more than I am now. To become a better person/dancer I am now. To just find back the courage to try and not be limited by my own fear.

Reset.

After being caught up by so many thoughts and a whirlwind of emotions, it took literally one comment for me to finally realise that what I am trying to maintain now is no longer healthy. I could genuinely feel like I was starting to hate what I was doing, starting to hate what I used to enjoy doing and look forward to.

Maybe because I was so caught up with all my wants, I forgot my sole purpose of being there in the first place. I started to allow the things I hear affect me and I started to doubt the things I was doing. I could no longer do something without having a second thought because that was how important others' opinions of me were. And obviously, one can never satisfy everyone. In everything I do, there were bound to be people who would agree and disagree with me.

Took me about a day to recollect my thoughts and to finally realise, it's not what others' think that matters, it is me who matters. As long as I believe I'm doing my best and doing what I believe would be beneficial, I should not let anyone else make me doubt my own feelings. I shouldn't let what others would say about me affect my decisions and my actions.

Was super thankful to have my group of friends. They are there with me to feel with me and to go through this very emotionally-draining period. Even though I feel like I gave alot and I still don't get anything in return, other than the fact that I started this journey by my own choice so I have the responsibility to finish it, my friends were the only thing I was extremely grateful to have. What was amazing was we had our enlightenment period together, I liked how we empowered each other. How we reassured each other and believed in each other.

Even though the journey ahead is going to be still tough, and there are probably going to be still times where I'm going let myself get affected, I know I'm covered and supported by my friends. It was really enlightening to hear a new side/perspective to this entire thing and to a certain extent, it relieved that pressure that I still have at the back of my mind cause I was told that it was not really or exactly our fault per say (meaning we didn't fail or what). Thankful for the people who have faith in us and reassured us more to just keep doing what we believe is necessary and beneficial.

We just hit our reset buttons in our brains. And it is time to look at this journey with our newly found mindset. Time is only going to be tougher from now on. But I feel like with this new mindset, with this new phase of this journey, I'm more than ready to face what is coming for me in the upcoming weeks.

Still a reminder to self to constantly show appreciation for the people around me. Sometimes just an act of appreciation can become a motivational force for another (you never know). Extra note to self, don't expect others to be what you are. You are what you are because you chose to be like that but doesn't mean others are obligated to do the same. Also remember to stay genuine, to stay truthful. People may not always appreciate the truth but no one likes receiving fake, sugar-coated words.

Aightsaights my brain is pounding like crazy (I think I'm going to die at this rate HAHAH) so I should go sleep soon though I highly doubt that is going to happen soon.

Trying Too Hard

This week has been generally a terrible week. Alot of struggles with myself. Emotions flying high (and yes, tmi again. But hormones were also flying haywire cause I finally got my late-for-2-months period.) and dramas are also crashing in.

To be honest, I don't know who has been reading this blog and I don't know how much of everything I should censor on this page. But then again, I realised. I'm not blaming anyone or accusing anyone. It is just me, myself and I. So who am I afraid of? It was exactly the same fear of offending anyone, the same want to satisfy everyone that led me to where I am now.

For this past 1.5 months, I have been literally dedicating all my life to rag and chinese dance (more rag than chinese dance tbh). I mean most people wouldn't see the work that lies behind just attending each practice. I go through every night thinking about how to and what to teach during class. Blocking and everything. I go for building and costumes-making (not part of my job, I willingly did it but still time spent there). I go there because I want to give back the kindness this community has shown me when I first came into NUS. For the girl who was lost in her own world, this community was her only 避风港 in this highly unfamiliar place.

Initially, things were good. I found myself being energised by my rag friends (both my freshies and seniors). I feel like rag is a place where I can be myself and be happy. And somewhere along the way, the pressure to be what people want me to be just weighed down.

I started getting comments that I was being very fierce (which I didn't choose to be) and then there are people saying that my choreos need to be more fierce in general (but I had to stop scolding HAHA no one can imagine the amount of hurt I felt just from this). And then now I get people feeling demoralised. And my values continuously clash with my team. I'm constantly in a fight to stay civilised, accept and adapt.

To be very honest, I don't feel comfortable being fierce at all. I feel this sense of awkwardness in me, like I have no idea if people can accept after I scolded them. But of course, no one outside truly understands that. They just assume that I'm okay with. They don't realise that I took on this role only because I naturally have a loud voice and I have RBF while my friends are generally nice people who don't flare up easily. SO.

I sound super demanding but when I hear people comment that I'm very fierce. I just get really sensitive cause I don't mean to be fierce, I just wanted to set the tone straight. I want everybody to have a good relationship yet be serious and on the ball. I don't mean to I don't know be fierce.

Aiya, okay this is where I can talk about already. Anymore, I would be revealing too much. Sometimes I think people just need to show their appreciation more to others. I try to make it a habit to thank people (freshies or seniors) when they do something for rag (even if it is part of their job scope). I hope I made their days when I say my thanks. But I realise alot of my choreos are not receiving enough appreciation. Even when they drag their tired/sick/injured body to class, they still are expected to be their best. And rarely you have someone go up to them to say thank you. I have received it a few times and it really made my day. It made me feel like what I am doing is worth it.

ok note to self: show more appreciation to my fellow friends. (:

Anger

Was watching this on my recommended list and I found it quite funny in sense because they were exaggerating some points luh. Like wtheck, they make introverts so unsociable (BTW anti-social is actually an actual psychological abnormal behaviour)

Maybe it is because I haven't had my period yet (too much information but sorry HAHA). These few days, I keep feeling anger in every little things. When someone makes me wait too long. When someone does not reply me promptly. When somethings doesn't go the way I want it to (AHEM timetable planning). Just anything.

I have different levels of anger. Unimpressed > Annoyed > FULL-BLOWN ANGER (which then lead to the apathetic point and the cut-you-out-off-my-life point). Unimpressed is my most common expressed anger. Like I'm not amused by what you did but I decided it is not important enough for me to get annoyed so I just let it go and move on with life. Usually with this, it is more of a one time thing.

But problem comes when all these one time unimpressed moments build up. And I find an actual problem with you as a person (or most probably as a friend too). This is when I just want to scream the shit out in your face but then I still choose to be more civilised about it and decide to cool it off before actually confronting you with the problem. At this stage, it is dangerous for me to open my mouth when I'm still at the peak of my annoyance (been there, done that. Never again.). So I would sit back down, do other stuff to distract myself and allow myself to cool down. During this time, I would also do some reflection to see if there was anything I could have done better (always the case so). Then when I'm ready, I would end my cold treatment (I would ignore you until I'm ready to talk) and talk to you about the problem. Whether anot things get resolved would then be fully dependent on how I react to you reacting to me (basically if we are both willing to work something out, all is fine).

Finally, anger. I have only been REALLY angry at my friends (family not counted cause fambam filter abit faulty) if I remember correctly 3 times (from sec school, primary sch was a horror so let's not go there). Like the kind when I'm just like what the actual heck is wrong with you, please reflect before coming to talk to me. Like I don't want to waste any effort quarreling with you so GET OUT. I would refuse to talk to you until you realise just how terrible you were being and actually apologise for your action before I consider talking to you. This sometimes lead to friendships ending but no regrets at all. Ok, only the second time, we managed to brave through that (but we aren't friends anymore. Present times I mean). First time, friend lied to me just to watch a volleyball match. Like wtheck, you could have just told me you want to watch, not like I can stop you (so yas, honesty is something I value alot). Second time, friend said something damn insensitive knowing what a tough time it was for me. Third time, friend cast my needs aside (thinking back now, wtheck is wrong with you, you self-centered woman HAHA).

Just a sudden thought to type this when I was watching the video. HAHAH realise I have been feeling lots of anger recently. Self-reminder to take a chill pill.

Forgotten Interests

So I have been packing my room these few days and I found lots of things that reminded me of the times when I was interested in a certain skill. Like playing the guitar, playing the piano, drawing, make up (yes it is a skill okay?!), singing etc. But looking at me know, I have not even gotten close to mastering any of that. Which is kind of bad cause it shows how 三分钟热度 I am. But to be fair, usually I have to stop cause of school. Like I really have the time to actually indulge myself in these activities during the holidays and they are never really long.

So these few days, I have been back into trying to play the guitar (more like learning). And it hurts like a chicken nugget. I just finish my practice today and my gawd, my fingers are so tender now that it actually hurts to even type now. But persevere Joy, wait for those hardened skin to come, it will be okay.

Realise I am really arts-inclined. Like I have literally no interest in picking up any sports. Too much work, too lazy. HAHAH. But at the same time, I'm too timid and too self-conscious to explore and allow myself to grow. I don't really dare to showcase my skills outside unless I'm sure of myself (which is rarely). Even dance. You may be shock considering how I have been dancing for... forever? But I can still get really self-conscious when I freestyle or when I teach. Like the fear of screwing up is real. Let's not even talk about the street genres. I think getting rejected blast really hit me really hard. Even though I never really expected myself to get in, the failure still hit me really hard especially since one, it is my first time being willing to try and two, all my friends around me got accepted in. Have been really conscious about street dances ever since. There isn't one time I go for any form of class without saying or genuinely feeling like a potato. But I can't deny that I am really interest in that spectrum of dance. Like I feel like a potato but I still want to try BUT I'm too afraid of looking and more importantly, feeling stupid.

Singing too. I always had this like interest in singing. I don't know I just always wanted to sing well. I genuinely don't think I sing well and I really want to get better at it. But RHMP happened and really scared the shit out of me. Like I can never sing in public without feeling conscious. I can't sing into a mic and not blank out. I can't sing with people I'm not close to cause I feel like I'm judged. But I still want to sing. And hopefully one day, I will be able to sing comfortably and whenever I want.

More so, I hope one day, I would get to the point where I can properly do all the things I want. Like actually mastering at least the basics. Jack of all trades, I want to be at least that. HAHHA

"Don't judge. I mean even if you do, don't let me know." 

Future

SO. These past few nights have been entirely spent on JUST planning my timetable for the upcoming semester. And it has been nothing but tough. Like I can feel my brain splitting into half from just thinking about what I should take and how many of what I should take.

But it is also cause of planning timetable, it suddenly occurred to me just how plan-less I am for these 4 years. I mean, for one, I just finally like settled for psychology (self assured myself that I didn't make a wrong choice would be a more accurate way of saying it HAHA). Then I went to look at my graduation requirement for psychology. 44MCs of major mods (inclusive of 6 core mods and 1 lab mod), 28MCs of UE and 8MCs of anything. Sounds straightforward enough.

So I cleared 12MCs of major mods (2 stats mods and social psychology) which means I have 5 more core mods to go. My original plan was to finish clearing all my core mods by year 2 sem 2. So that from Year 3 onward, I can focus on just clearing my electives. But guess who decided to screw up on me? Life, who else! HAHAH So I was planning to clear 2 core mods this sem. But Cog and Dev psychology are out cause BOTH clashes with my CL1101E (to clear asian basket) so I'm left with abnormal and bio. But I know from awhile ago that, bio and abnormal both DAMN content heavy (I mean all psychology mods are liddat but especially so for these 2 mods APPARENTLY). So I was actually thinking if I should take both (to stay on my original plan) or take one (to save my brain) and take one elective.

That got me to start exploring the electives which result in this. ↓

"You are welcome. If you were looking for a concise list, here you go (: "

I got really interested in a few electives. They actually really sound really REALLY good. For example, PL3241 (too lazy to type the entire name)?! PL3249?! PL3254 too?! ANDAND PL3252?! So I was like you know what since I need at least 3 electives okay leh I can use them all here (:

But suddenly (legit I don't know from where), I was like but with the current mods that I am planning to take. I really seems like I'm not going anywhere for my degree in terms of specialisation lah. Then I remembered how some of my rag freshies were talking about what kind of route they were already planning to take (one of them already plan until where they going to work wtheck).

Some people would say uni is a place where you find what is really for you in this world. But to me, you need to at least have a general direction if not you would actually be really lost. Which is me now, I actually have zero idea what I want to do when I graduate. Maybe when I go into more electives and core mods, I would finally figure out what I want. But then I will never know > <

They asking too much from me sial lah. I'm mostly the kind that don't like to plan too far in the future because I scared later somewhere in the middle screw up and then I will be lost again. So I generally will like to plan one step at a time. But yea, I guess it's kinda good to know what you want at the end, easier to focus.

Started to consider actually taking up a minor. In life science but I have yet to find someone or even courage to try. Probably will consider taking a mod in Sem 2 to try it out then decide. HAHAH. dammit the uncertainty in all my decisions. DAMMMITT

Hopefully, things will slowly unfold properly and smoothly.