A Friend.

Recently, I have been thinking about being friends.So a few days back, one of my friend made a passing remark saying that I'm the kind of person who does a lot of things for the people I care for or meant a lot to me. And it just got me thinking about the past two weeks, about the things I did for my friends, how much I would actually push myself just for my friends. And it is not just for my friends but also for my family.

So for this past week I have been studying every single day with the exception of Fri - Sun, because I have friends who are like kind of stressed out by their midterms. And I just wanted to be there for them, even when they didn't ask for it. Actually, come to think about it, I don't even know if my presence makes them feel better or I actually just serve as a distraction LOL. HAHA maybe I should ask them next time. But because I have been pushing myself so much, to be around people so much, I think it really drained me socially. Now that these 2 weeks have finally ended, I really feel very dead.

And then I started to think about why I do what I do. Maybe it is cause I feel like as a friend, it's kind of my responsibility to cater to my friends' needs and be there for them when they need someone. Maybe it is also I know it feels to feel very overwhelmed and wanting someone to be just there. Maybe because I secretly also wish that my friends would do the same for me. Surprising me with a random encouragement note, being there when I just need someone. I don't know. Do I sound like a needy person HAHA?

I realised because of how valuable friendships are to me, I would push myself to the limits for my friends. Even if it would tire me out, even if I have no idea how to go around helping. Even when I feel like someone is making use of me and coming to me only when he/she needs me. Even when I feel like the second choice. I still do my best to help them and allow them to 'make use' of me.

I know that to love someone else properly, I need to first love myself. Before caring and catering to others, I need to learn how to cater to my own needs and take care of myself first. This is something I know I have to learn and I'm really trying to be selfish at times. To choose myself over others. But when it comes to those who are close to my heart, I'm just like I can't resist.

"No one is going to love you. If you don't love yourself."

Just another thing, since I feel like I need to write this out to sort out the whole thing LOL. Inferiority complex is kicking in. How not to when you have so many pretty friends around you. Sometimes I rather people just be direct and like tell me if they like my friends. At least I know how I should treat you. Such mixed feelings about everything. It sucks cause now I think I am getting influenced by the people around me and I am starting to also get very confused about how I feel about everything. LOL. I'm actually contemplating whether to just shut myself away for a few days and get my sanity back LOL. I feel like I'm going crazy. HAHAHAHAHAH WTS. But then again, I think it may be just me overthinking again. As usual. I just pray and hope 3 weeks will pass by quickly so that I can really just pull away. Issit awkward turtle joy is back? HAHAA. Just let there be a clear answer on what to do. I don't like to deal with uncertainty.

"Funny how I can relate so much to this."

AND OMG. Taeyeon looks so pretty hereeee!!