It's Okay

I was too lazy to update this place after one week of intensive dance practice. But after a little interaction with a particular person, I feel like I should write this down cause my heart is really feeling very full.

No doubt, this week has been really bad. Never felt so discouraged for quite a while. Many people have told me that I'm good and that I really have a good attitude for dance. Like how I don't compare myself with others and how I'm generally okay with positioning. But what they don't know is that I'm no angel, only human. I feel like gnawing sad and envious feeling every time someone else is chosen as the lead or as the people in front. It's like all these years (even in Xinmin), regardless of how much effort I put in, I'm never the best. I can never reach the top position. But after so many years of this shit happening to me, you would think that I would have gotten used to it. Nope, I have not. I still feel demoralised when it happens to me, like why am I never good enough.

I know there are many people who would never associate me with the words "shy" "introverted" "socially awkward" cause I'm naturally a loud person and when I go full out, I can come across as a little eccentric. And really I don't blame people when they give me that look when I tell them I'm actually a rather shy person. And maybe because people tend to have that expectation of me (as in like as a loud and outgoing person and yaknow happy in general), I really try very hard to be that way all the time.

So that was how it was in dance for this past week. The seniors found it easier to interact with me when I was in my eccentric mode and they start to joke around with me which is a good thing, not complaining. So I started to push myself a lot to be that Joy everyone expects me to be and would look kindly at. But there is a limit to how much of my positive energy I can radiate. And with all the setbacks coming one by one, slowly I was losing the stamina to show my cheerful side.

So I settled with being quiet like always. And usually people don't think too much about it, they would just assume that I'm tired. So they will just leave me alone and everything. But what they don't know is that I was slowly getting really frustrated with myself. In my brain, it's like I can't justify why I am putting in so much effort for this when I see no reward at the end of it.

You might think it is easy being loud. But for someone like me, every moment I spent loud and outgoing is me putting extra effort to suppress the melancholy side of me. And after a while, my energy level is drained fast. And it is not just having to suppress my melancholy side that's tiring. It also having to deal with the variety of reaction to me. I mean generally everybody is very appreciative and reacts positively to me. But then there will always be that few who just don't think too well of me because of the image I portray. Like there was this senior who I can feel her disapproving vibe every time I become a bit louder whether it is intentional or not. And it's having to deal with all these negative response that really makes me doubt myself even more.

"Joy, are you okay?"

Rarely people would bother to ask me this because like I said because of my image, people somehow naturally assume that I'm just tired so they would just ask me to rest well. But once in a while, people like Zhunian would come around and warm my heart with this simple question. This question to me signifies a lot. To me, it means that people are always willing to embrace the other side of me and that they would still care. It also means that people actually know that I'm trying to be positive like I feel my efforts were acknowledged.

It may not seem like a lot to many people. But to me, these words contain the most sincerity and care to me. It shows that you are noticing me, you care enough to actually ask and that you are willing to see the other side of this bubbly being.

Thankful for people like that. They make me feel like it's okay to be me and that it's okay to drop the bubbly side when I'm not okay. ^^ truly grateful.

Tired mentally, exhausted physically but satisfied emotionally.

What Ifs

Recently, I have been thinking a alot of what if-s. Like what if I never met my previous clique, would I have been happier? But in my previous post, I talked about how I realised I don't actually want to change anything that happened to me in the past. Today, once again, I realised just how much my life would have changed if I had changed something in past (provided that I could lah).

So, Arts Rag 2017 needed us to publicise Rag to the next batch of freshman and required us to post a photo on insta sharing our experience or thoughts on our own rag experience. And suddenly, I started to reflect on my life if Rag never happened to me.

"If Rag never happened..."

I would not have continued to dancing. I think I mentioned it somewhere before. Right before rag, I actually wanted to give up on dance because I was really scared (one, I was afraid I may permanently injure my body and two, I was afraid to face the fact that I'm no longer as good in dance as I was before my injury). But I still joined it because I didn't want to join too many camps and I wanted to make friends before entering university through an event (my personal preference lah, I feel like friendships forged during a long term event usually last longer than those forged during camps). End up, rag reminded me of my passion for dance and my pure thirst for my personal development. I was reminded that my satisfaction stems from my personal improvement, regardless of where I start from. This then resulted in me continuing on to join the various dance auditions.

I would not have met Tianran and other close hall friends. I joined RHMP and Rhdance because they were dance related so if I didn't join rag and have given up on dance, I would not have joined these CCAs. Without these CCAs, I would not have met my circle of friends in hall. And I probably would not have enough points to actually stay on for the next year.

I would not have done my major dance events (aka DU, Chingay etc). If I had not joined dance CCAs, I would not have gone through these events and actually first-hand experience that wonderful sense of satisfaction of completing a performance. And I would have forgotten how it feels like to work hard and gain that sweet sense of achievement on stage.

I would not have tried choreographing. I think one of my major progress in my dance journey was being given an opportunity to choreograph. Choreographing is very different from just purely dancing. It forced me to grow in ways I never knew I could. Without my first opportunity of choreographing, I'm pretty sure I would not have felt confident enough to pursue other opportunities to choreograph.

I would not have gotten so much closer to Zile and Jianing. They are literally my closest friends in NUS and actually my entire social circle now. If I had not gotten into rag, I probably would have stayed in contact with Zile but we wouldn't be this close because we didn't go through a lot of the shit we went through together in rag. If I had not gotten into rag, I definitely would not have even stayed in contact with Jianing. After nydance, Jianing and I barely talked. But it's because of Arts Rag, I actually then got to know first hand that she moved into RH and then actually made the effort to make sure she you know settle smoothly.

If Rag didn't happen, I would not have a dance journey anymore and my life in NUS is probably going to be a boring one for uni is really a tough place to make friends. So thank God I chose to join rag.

Regrets

Now that finals are over, I have been binge watching movies and dramas because I can. And recently, I have grown this interest in Japanese movies and dramas. There have a few great movies/dramas LIKE really good (just ask me only) but there is this one movie I want to talk about.

 Watch Here 

Synopsis:

One day, Takamiya Naho receives a letter written to herself from ten years in the future. As Naho reads on, the letter recites the exact events of the day, including the transfer of a new student into her class named Naruse Kakeru.

Basically, this movie is about how this girl receives a letter from her future self in an attempt to try save a friend. Watch it, it's really good.

This movie got me thinking.

"If I could sent a letter to the old me, what would I write? What would I change?"

Then I realised. I wouldn't change anything. Instead I would tell my old me that everything is really going to be okay. Tough times would be over before you know it and to believe in myself more. I wouldn't change anything good that happened to me for obvious reasons. I wouldn't change anything bad that happened because they taught me so much. Regrets are bound to occur cause that is just life. But I'm lucky that up till now, most of my regrets are reversible if I choose to do something about it.

And I did most of it. I cleared up most of my regrets (especially clearing up the things with those who once mattered so much to me). Well, maybe except for one. But then again, the problem with that is that I think I was one-sidedly awkward so if I went up to try clear anything, that would just be weird. That being said, if that person ever tries to talk to me again, I promise HAHAHA I wouldn't be that awkward anymore. Problem of a growing awkward turtle. Running away because I'm scared that any further I would be too deep in to pull out.

So dear friend (I think), I'm sorry if I made shit awkward and hard for you and the friends around us. I was just scared HAHAH for many reasons which I shall choose not to elaborate much here HAHAH. Maybe if I was not an awkward turtle, things wouldn't actually be anything like what it is now.

Okok. Anyway, I'm sorry if you thought this was going to be a really deep post, cause nope it is not HAHAH. Just a random thought. And really go watch the movie, the boyboy quite cute (:

Open Class

Was contemplating whether I should write about this and I decided to. So last fri (5 May), Jianing jio-ed to go open class together and initially I was really excited to go cause I really damn long never dance already. But then when it was time to actually travel from dhoby (we went to sing k before that and yaz it was fun as usual) to converge I started to feel the fear and like wanted to back out HAHA. But then Zile and Jianing persuaded me to just go and that it was normal to feel scared right before but that I would not regret going (which I thank all the gods for these friends cause not only did I not regret, I really enjoyed myself alot).

Signed up for the student classes' package which is 5classes for $40, a decent price I would say. Went into class not expecting much because I was scared to the max. Warm up started and errmaigawd, I could feel the consequence of not dancing for almost a month. My muscles were stiff and weak at the same time (till today as in Sunday, I'm still aching like SHIT). But then I felt a little relief cause the stretch and everything was really what I needed.

Choreography teaching started and initially everything seemed so abstract to me HAHAHA. Maybe cause I never dance for damn long then my body don't know how to coordinate anymore. This choreography has a lot feels and a lot of space to fill in. This choreography is personally the kind of style that I like. Really very minimalist in terms of techniques and moves. But it is exactly that, it allows the dancers to have very different interpretation of the dance and the freedom to inject their own emotions and groove into the choreography. If you watch the videos (if i decide to insert it in there, if not hahaha it's on my insta), each dancer does each move quite differently. And this, I feel, is like the beauty of dance where no one dance is really going to be exactly the same as another.

Later on, I went to a hiphop open class and this one really no joke, I regretted literally the second after I paid. HAHAHA But all is well, thank gawd for my little flair for picking up choreography decently quick so I wasn't exactly lagging behind. But HAHAHA I can't bear to watch myself in the video. The choreography so cool but I ruined it with my octopus ways. Note to self: Never EVER go for hiphop class barefooted, it hurts.

All in all, I felt really satisfied that night. Like even though I really felt like a potato, I was at least a happy potato. Super thankful for Jianing and Zile for persuading me to go cause it is always the first step that is the hardest. But I'm especially thankful for Jianing for really making the effort to make sure I'm okay during class. Contemp was not that bad so she would just look over once in a while BUT during hiphop, I really felt very touched when she keep on walking over to ask if I'm okay. I'm glad that for once, I was taken care of without burdening the person too much.

Posted the contemp video on insta (cause I cringe everytime I watch the hiphop one) and really thankful for the comments. I know I may seem like I'm fishing for compliments but no, I'm not. Yes, I'm damn happy and thankful for those comments BUT I don't expect them. And one comment in particular really stuck me straight in the heart.

"you look good leh have more confidence!!" 

This really shocked me a little. Firstly, I'm not close to this friend. Secondly, I'm pretty sure my caption didn't contain any emo shit HAHAAHHA. It's just another reminder that the growth that I need now is the growth in my confidence. Without confidence, my skills (whether anot I have them) ain't going to bring me anywhere.

First Year

Wew, writing this before finals officially end because I don't want to continue studying anymore (but well, let's see when I actually post this cause laziness is real.) One academic year has past just like that and I'm not lying when I say ALOT has changed.

Before you start, you have been warned. This is a super lengthy post and I doubt I would be adding any photos in it. So if you mind word vomits, please move on from this.

One year ago, at this exact timing, I was still worrying about whether I would actually get posted to a university (cause results suck, and reality is results matter). But well, maybe about 2 weeks later, I got my letters. I basically got into all my desired courses in all my application (kind of, I wanted double major but well again, results sucked) and then a dilemma arose. Which university to choose? I was considering between NUS and SMU (I was scared NUS was too elite for stupid-me but SMU was too artsy for me). Please don't ask me why not NTU, I don't know HAHA. It was my first choice university initially but ended up being the first university I eliminated. But this dilemma did not last too long cause soon we had to sign up for orientation camps and everything. And to sign up, you have to first accept NUS acceptance first. I think that's how I actually decided on NUS LEL.

Was thinking which camps to join. Psychology camp? Arts camp? O'week? RHEX? I didn't want to join too many camps cause I know I will be drained as shit. Was thinking of YOLO-ing and going for Arts camp. I actually printed everything and went there to queue up for it. But Joy being Joy, I backed out right when I was at the counter (till today, I do not regret my choice cause RHEX's rabakness killed me). I eliminated O'week for the same reason (though it did not happen in the end LEL).

So first, I had to decide which hall exposure camp I wanted to go for. Decided on Raffles Hall through elimination. King Edward was out cause too far away from Arts. Kent Ridge and Sheares only had single rooms (I wanted to have a choice between single and double room). Then Temasek was out cause the people at the booth gave me a quite bad impression. Eusoff cause it was quite a sporty hall and Joy with sports should never come together. So yes, that's how I settled for Raffles. No regrets till now.

Then I came across Arts Rag also and decided to join that cause I knew I would enjoy making friends through a big project. Like I feel like friendships are probably going to last longer than those that I made through camps yaknow? So anyway, I really can't remember how I signed myself up for Psychology camp but I did.

RHEX was a horror because of how rabak it was. And yes, Joy here has almost close to 0 rabakness in her so rabak is a no no. I could not click with my group at all cause of how upz they are and how nua I am. I think I spent 90% of my time just nua-ing and keeping quiet cause really cannot keep up uh. Then came, Psychology camp. Which was much much better than RHEX. I feel more comfortable there. No pressure to join anything uncomfortable or rather there was almost no games that was uncomfortable HAHA. And I really enjoyed it. But like what I mentioned earlier, nope I'm not exactly in touch with any of them anymore LEL.

Arts Rag was one of my huge orientation event. Arts rag really brought me a lot of gains. But at the same time, I was beaten down into my pit again because of shit that happened. HAHA okok too private to share here. Aiya won't talk too much about Arts Rag since I already wrote about it HAHA.

Semester 1 started. Was so happy when I had a 3-day work week (my mondays and fridays were free). But NOPE. CCA had to come in and be a bitch, I end up staying in school for 5 days and wasting my life away on mondays and fridays. The one regret that I had for Semester 1 was that I did not study hard enough. I procrastinated so much that I had no time to finish studying for my finals (especially PL1101E and GES1007). To anybody who is reading this and is thinking of taking PL1101E, my advice to you is do consistent work. If you are like me and like to do notes, do it once the lecturer finishes the chapter so that whatever the lecturer said is still fresh in your brain and you can write more meaningful notes. You can also consider not going for lecture at all HAHA cause really the lecture just repeats everything in the textbook (actually the textbook provides more information so MUST read textbook). Tutorials are fun but really does not contribute to your grade LEL (but I enjoyed them anyway). GES1007 is for those who want to learn ALOT about South Asians (go google who are the South Asians). I'm not going to deny that the content is really interesting but the amount of effort that goes into it is really worth considering over just mere interest. But if you do take it, please do each lecture every week. Don't ever miss it, oh my gawd.
(HAHA should I act pro and actually write a module review? HAHAH more work for Joy, we shall see about it HAHA)

One biggest takeaway from Semester 1 was RHMP. Wrote about it too so not going to talk too much about it. But this is where I met most of my friends from hall and where I found a rather close friend in hall.

My second biggest takeaway from Semester 1 was joining Chinese Dance. I was super reluctant to join initially but I still joined in the end cause Tianran was trying so hard to convince me to join HAHA. Anyway, I joined and I got myself into Chingay. No idea how but I just got in HAHA. I didn't write about Chingay because it was really a real big event. But I'm thankful that I joined because I got to know a few more people from Chinese dance since I phantom their tech class MEH.

Moving on, Semester 2 came.

Started off my sem with having to deal with dinner performance (aka Faded) and chingay at the same time. Let's just say I was tired to the core. There were literally a few weeks where I was dancing every night except for sun. But both passed by really quickly. And then it was time to face DU.

Even though I talked about it already, lemme just summarise. At the start of DU, there were so many times that I doubted myself so much and put myself down. My inner voice was really strong, telling me how much I fail as a dancer, how much I cannot achieve and how much I was lacking. It grew to the point where I had to pull myself away from my friends in dance because I could feel myself subconsciously comparing myself to them. And that was bad. Cause I started to hate being in dance and I could feel myself slipping back into that slump again.

I really don't quite remember what happened from there but somehow I managed to fight really REALLY hard to stay at where I am. (To literally "fake it till you make it, fake it till you be it.") And soon, things were better. I was able to be more comfortable in dance and I did not shut people out of my life like what I used to do.

Then recess week came, what a memorable week. Because this was the first time, I became so aware of how much I have changed and become very confused by all the 'rather new' things that was happening then. Which once again, this place is too private to share (AGAIN urgh). But the short summary is that I became really confused with how I was feeling about everything and I struggled alot between my old (run away at first sight of trouble) self and my new (more willing to explore and figure things out) self. Well, all things are good now. No more confusion because that's too much effort I have decided. HAAHAHAH

Fast forward to now. Present times. After finals.

I truly enjoyed the modules I took this semester. I feel like this semester was pretty refreshing in the sense where I am generally quite motivated to go for ALL my classes EXCEPT for FAS1102. I feel like this semester, I really got to meet really good lecturers and TAs which contributed alot to my sustained interest in that particular module. (For those struggling to clear humanities basket, please give EL1101E a go. No regrets taking it ^^)

This past year has been a year of growth and many many ups and downs. But what is life if everything is only going to be smooth sailing right? I learned to be more sociable, I learned to better manage my time, I learned to appreciate myself more. I was able to strengthen my existing friendships, I was able to build meaningful friendships and I was able to move on from the past friendship troubles.

One year ago, I would have never imagined myself going back into dance. One year ago, I would have never imagined that I am actually given opportunities to choreograph. One year ago, I would have never imagined myself daring to put on makeup and dress up (I used to think that only pretty people can do it. Stupid, I know). One year ago, I would have never imagined myself talking to guys (that's an amazing feat okay. For those who know exactly how awkward I was in JC, the turtle has officially upgraded and become someone who can comfortably insult guys HAHAH). One year ago, I would have never imagined myself opening up to people again and making close friends.

But one year has passed. And all those things have happened. It is times like these where I get reminded that time can do wonder. Time can change a person. Time can heal a person. There are definitely regrets along the way. So many things I wished I had done if only I had more courage. But all these just serves to remind me to take the leap of faith more often and not leave regrets behind.

And with that, I officially ended my first academic year in NUS. I look forward to my next year in NUS and hopefully by then, I would figure out what exactly it is I want to achieve in life.

"AY2016/17, you have been one hectic year. But thank you for all the things that I gained."

Who You Are

"I stare at my reflection in the mirror.

Why am I doing this to myself?

Losing my mind on a tiny error,

I nearly left the real me on the shelf."

 It's been so long since I last updated this place cause life after DU has been a tough one catching up to. But that being said, it doesn't mean that nothing good happened during these past 2-3 weeks. I feel like because this period of time where everyone is super busy with their own things (aka assignments and finals), I really got the time to focus on me, myself and I. I really got to choose who I wanted to hang out with, who I should put in the effort to stay in contact or like meet up often. Maybe because everyone is so busy, that's why I have no pressure in trying to ensure that I'm there for everyone else.

Let's just talk about the mundane things, school (aka trying my very best to save my CAP). This sem has been a relatively great one. I really enjoyed most of my modules except maybe one mod (FAS1102 urgh) and this other project group (cause I'm an awkward turtle, God save me). But I have been enjoying learning what is being taught and actually been motivated to learn more about the topics discussed. Kinda sad that this sem ended so quickly ): Thankful for all the good friends and teachers I met, especially my EL1101E teachers (errmaigawd I love them *hearts*)

Moving on to these 2-3weeks. It's actually quite boring. Everyday I would wake up at around 7.30am, wash up and get my breakfast, come back to my room to pack my stuff and move to upper lounge to study at my spot. I swear everyday it's like this. Just studying most of the time. But I have friends who were there, making it so much easier to get through this boring and brain draining period: Zile, Jianing and Niyin. (: Like super thankful for them. They make my day much more entertaining (like the laughing is the laugh-until-I-find-it-hard-to-breathe kind), I get my needed human interaction throughout the day without having to fear that I'm disturbing the shit out of them. We would initially randomly go to the dance room to dance cause we got too saturated from studying whatever we were studying. Really thankful to have gotten so much more closer to them (: Glad that I would be seeing them around more often next semester. ((:

Also, I cleared up some things that was bothering the shit out of me (refer to a few post before i think). Glad to have thought through about how I feel about everything and actually get my focus at where it matters. HAHA being really careful to not talk too much about it cause who knows who is reading. Which is why I'm actually considering moving to wordpress LEL. Can private the blog post without having to make my ENTIRE blog private.

Finally to the last part. Had this chance to open up to Zile and Jianing (on separate occasion) about the things I have been through. And I realised just how much of me I have given up because I don't like myself and I didn't believe myself enough. But no, this is not going to be post about me being determined to change and everything because I'm honestly lost about how to go about doing it still.

Maybe one day, I will be that girl who had faith in herself, who was not afraid to try, who will not let her fears limit her. That girl who truly can enjoy dance, who crave for improvement instead of focusing on the things I didn't managed to do. But as of now, it still seem too far. Because some wounds are not yet okay and some scars are still bright red, reminding me all the time about the things that happened.

"Don't lose who you are

In the blur of the stars.

Seeing is deceiving,

Dreaming is believing.

It's okay not to be okay.

Sometimes it's hard

To follow your heart.

Tears don't mean you are losing,

Everyone's bruising.

There's nothing wrong with who you are."

Dance Uncensored 2017

28th and 29th March marks the end of my DU journey. The seemingly long yet really short dance journey. It may have been a mere about 3 months of work but it was sure tough and I was defeated multiple times. There were so many times where I doubted myself as a dancer, as someone who has danced for the past 15 years or so.

This style of contemp is really very similar to those of Ryan's choreo which is already tough to start with. It requires a lot of strength and control but at the same time, you need to maintain the flow and also the feelings. You need to look shag and tired but you need to make every move look like you meant to do it and that each move is charged with power. You need to drag out some parts but yet you need to drag with accent. You need to show burst of power and yet you still need to ensure that there is a final image you want to achieve so no going over that limit.

Maybe because the past few contemp dances are really easier to execute in general and don't require alot of strength and stamina. It was really hard to catch with the pace of the dance. Like by the time, it was the first chorus, I feel like my entire soul is like gone already. Which only means that I really need to start building up stamina to attempt greater and better pieces in the future.

I kinda enjoyed my DU journey and really cause I got to learn alot more and I really made a lot more new friends in dance. Like intially, in dance, I don't even talk to the RHMP people cause I awks. But now I'm just like wew, who want talk to me I also can talk! (:

Okay lah, actually that's it. Simple and easy cause I cannot think of anymore deep stuff to talk about without being to negative about the whole thing.

Photo time! (not in any specific order HAHA)